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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25447993">Burning too brightly</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Duckgirl999'>Duckgirl999 (orphan_account)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sanders Sides (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Has Panic Attacks, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders is a Good Friend, Crying, Depressed Morality | Patton Sanders, Depression, EXPLICIT SELF HARM, Logic | Logan Sanders Angst, M/M, Morality | Patton Sanders Angst, Morally Neutral Deceit | Janus Sanders, NSFW, Self-Harm, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, logicality - Freeform, stay safe kiddos</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 08:40:02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>26,090</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25447993</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Duckgirl999</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Thomas is struggling behind the scenes and his Sides are coping in unhealthy ways.</p><p>Virgil tries to mitigate a panic attack and resorts to the worst.</p><p>Logan tries to work himself out of feelings and does something he knows he'll regret.</p><p>Patton can't seem to stop crying and his self worth is plummeting quickly.</p><p>Amongst all of this, what is Roman to do?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Logic | Logan Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>153</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>181</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Useless, useless, useless</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi everyone! This is the first work I've written and actually had the guts to post, haha. It's pretty not great, so my apologies in advance. Please note that this has EXTREMELY explicit self harm in it. If you can't read that, this is not for you.</p>
    </blockquote><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Virgil returns to his room after a hard day and immediately has a panic attack. Logan isn't good enough and isn't functioning properly- he isn't supposed to have emotions.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Thomas leaned back in his chair, feeling relieved and exhausted. The work was finished. It wasn't perfect, not by a long shot, but he figured Roman and Logan could use a break. He'd been brainstorming all day.</p><p>Once the script was finalized, he thought to himself, it should take a week at most to film, and then the editing, and then the final checks, and oh! The Twitter hints he has to send out. Gotta keep up the hype. Although the work was done, his anxiety was mounting, and he decided it wouldn't do to dwell on it any longer. He pushed his chair back and stood up. Thomas was done for tonight.</p><p>He got ready quickly and slid under the covers. "Thanks, Logan, thanks, Roman," he mumbled, chuckling, and closed his eyes.</p><p>__________</p><p>Unbeknownst to him, his Sides weren’t anywhere near finished. Virgil was pacing the floor of the commons, breathless, tapping his fingers on his thighs in a last-ditch effort to keep himself from having a panic attack. Patton was nearby in a chair, Roman’s head in his lap, stroking his hair and soothing the exhausted prince. Logan wasn’t anywhere to be found.</p><p>Patton looked up as Virgil passed, eyes sad. “You should probably get some sleep.”</p><p>Virgil shook his head, chuckling sardonically. “You know that’s not going to happen tonight, Pat.” He looked up, and Patton noticed the dark eye makeup he usually wore under his eyes was partially rubbed away and transferred to his sweaterpaws, yet his eyes had circles as dark as ever. It was obvious he hadn’t slept in a while. “Thomas worked hard today, but he quit too early. There’s still so much to be done before the new video can get released.”</p><p><em>And, </em>Virgil thought to himself,<em> I need to keep myself under control. I can’t afford to let Thomas in on the amounts of anxiety I’m feeling, it would only slow him down. I know what I have to do. Later, tonight, once everyone was asleep-</em></p><p>“Well, kiddo, shouldn’t you at least try? It won’t do you any good to push yourself as hard as you are.”</p><p>Roman heaved himself into a sitting position. “You’re right, Pat, but y’know Virgil won’t listen. He’s not really one to change sleeping habits.”</p><p>Patton sighed, but didn’t say anything further. “Have any of you seen Logan recently? I hope he’s not doing that thing he always does, where he overworks himself…”</p><p>“Last time I saw him he was getting coffee.” Six hours ago.</p><p>“Relax, Pat, he’s probably just writing out schedules or some other nerd thing. He understands the importance of the rhythm thingy with the sleep-“</p><p>“Circadian rhythm?”</p><p>“Yeah, that. He’ll definitely figure it out, it’s too important to him for him to ignore. Roman, aren’t you getting tired?”</p><p>“What, me? No. Just-“ he yawned, “as vivacious as ever.”</p><p>Virgil nodded at Patton. “Let’s take him to bed.”</p><p> </p><p>As soon as Roman was situated in his bed, barely conscious and mumbling softly, Patton closed his bedroom door and fixed Virgil with a paternal stare.</p><p>
  <em>Uh oh. Dad rant incoming.</em>
</p><p>“Look, Virgil, I know you haven’t been sleeping well. And you seem upset. But you’d better be taking care of yourself, Kiddo! Thomas can’t function without you! And when you aren’t you, Thomas isn’t Thomas, so keep you being you, you know?”</p><p>“Uh, yeah…sure.”</p><p>“I know you aren’t really taking this seriously, and that’s ok, it’s late, I get it. But just remember how much we all care about you, alright? We don’t want you to be feeling anything less than your usual dark and adorable self. “</p><p>Virgil looked away guiltily. Patton was right, he knew, but functioning at his best also carried effects onto Thomas. He would feel even worse if he let that happen, because his effects would make work harder for everyone else. Maybe it wasn’t a bad thing if Virgil wasn’t alright.</p><p>“Yeah, Pat, I’ll give it some thought.”</p><p>“Good.” Patton wished him goodnight and sank out.</p><p>When Virgil arrived at his room, he nearly collapsed. Whenever he returned to his room after a particularly anxious day, his room caused him to feel all of the anxiety he had been pushing away, and this time was no different. Today was pretty heavy in terms of anxiety.</p><p>He locked his door and curled up for a moment against the stream of thoughts. Everything was whirling in a storm of negative emotions and he was powerless, unable to stop it. He ran frazzled hands through his hair and tried his hardest to keep himself together. His hoodie suddenly felt constricting and he yanked it off, baring his marks, but he still couldn’t breathe. Everything was slightly fuzzy and <em>God</em>, he was so cold.</p><p>
  <em>I can’t let this mess carry over onto Thomas, he’d hate me for it. I need to get it together. Now.</em>
</p><p>He opened the small box Logan had gotten him for his birthday. (“I do believe this box is, ah, aesthetically pleasing,” Logan had said, shoving the box at him.) Inside was a stack of various photos and cards from the other Sides. Virgil moved them aside quickly, finding the clothing tag he had stuck his pencil sharpener blade onto.</p><p>He took off his pants and shuffled over to the hardwood, putting the point of the blade on his thigh and making a sharp ripping motion. He watched as the tissue was exposed and it quickly filled with blood that dripped onto the hardwood. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. The emotions were flowing from his body with the blood and he could feel the emptiness where they were, replaced with empty shivers and a horrible, all-consuming numbness.</p><p>
  <em>You fucking deserve it.</em>
</p><p>His panic attack was receding, and the sharpness was returning to his senses with the pain. He made the motion a few more times over older scars and repeated the process. It didn’t hurt as much.</p><p>By the time he was done, there were maybe a dozen fresh cuts, and he tried to feel guilty. Virgil walked over to his closet, cutting another square out of an old towel with scissors and holding it to the wound. Waiting for it to scab over.</p><p>By the time it finally did, about a half an hour had passed. He opened the box again and took out the Neosporin, hydrogen peroxide solution, gauze and band-aids and patched up his thighs. Feeling too tired to do much else, he carefully put on another pair of dark pants and fell into bed. He was asleep before he hit the pillow.</p><p>__________</p><p>Logan, on the other hand, was working. He was exhausted and his brain wasn’t functioning right, but he couldn’t make himself break for the night, there was still too much to complete. His organisation had slowly devolved throughout the night, as he tried to focus on the refining of ideas instead of getting caught up in his need for order. As a result, his desk looked like an explosion, him at the centre.</p><p>He wasn’t functioning properly. And he hated himself for it.</p><p>Although he wanted to work more- so, so badly- he decided to take a bath instead. Although he only had a shower in his bathroom, he knew Patton had a tub in his, and naturally Patton had once told him to use it whenever he pleased. He debated himself for a bit- it was late, and he should be sleeping. The clock read 3:30. Logan figured since he would only have about four hours of sleep, so he may as well try to calm down and make them good.</p><p>He turned the faucet on as hot as it would go and climbed in. The water burned and tingled against his skin, and he started to sweat. His body knew something was wrong with the temperature and it was making his skin flush bright pink from his usual pale tone. But Logan relished the pain. It grounded him.</p><p>When he got out, half an hour later, he was red and almost blistered. But he didn’t mind, this was what he wanted. <em>Maybe next time I won’t fail like I did today.</em></p><p>His eyes wandered over to the BIC lighter on the edge of the tub that Patton always used to light candles when he took baths. Logan paused for a moment.</p><p><em>What am I thinking?!</em> He shook himself, hard.<em> I can’t do that. I need to leave.</em></p><p>He walked quickly to his room, but bumped into a tired-looking Patton. A violent spike of anxiety jolted through him, because he knew Patton would surely notice the heat-damaged skin or tear tracks. Patton didn’t seem to respond, though, and Logan realised he was sleepwalking.</p><p>
  <em>That’s… kind of adorable.</em>
</p><p>Logan took Patton gently by the elbow and steered him back into his bed, aiming to tuck him in without his knowledge. Patton stirred. “Whatreyudoin?”</p><p>“Nothing, Patton, go back to sleep.”</p><p>Patton’s eyes fluttered open. “Logan?”</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>He just hummed in response, a small smile on his lips.</p><p>Logan stopped. <em>What the hell?</em> Why did Patton seem so happy it was him? He couldn’t remember a time he felt so confused, and he knew what it was. But he refused to admit it.</p><p>The unexpected response burned through something in Logan’s chest. He felt off, sickly. It was like he burned brighter than a star when he was next to Patton, and he didn’t know what to do, he wasn’t supposed to be like this. He was to be blank. This was all a mistake.</p><p>The next time his eyes wandered over to the lighter, he didn’t stop himself.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. When the tears won't stop flowing</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Patton is struggling with his self-worth, and he finds a letter written to Thomas that reminds him just how useless he is. But maybe the others care for him more than he knows...</p><p>Angst with a somewhat happy ending.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So... yeah. I guess I did end up writing another one after all. Thanks to all of the messages, they really made me feel better about releasing things I had written. Love you all.</p><p>This doesn't actually have any self harm content within it, but there is a lot of self deprecating thoughts and it's basically all just one giant depressive episode.</p><p>Again, I'm not an experienced writer by any means, but this does help me sort out my own thoughts. Thanks for reading.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Rain was beating against the windows as Patton stared up at the ceiling. He had been laying there for some time now, rather bored, but he couldn’t find the energy to make himself get up and moving.<em> You're lazy,</em> he thought to himself. It had been a hard couple of days.</p><p>He didn’t mind his kiddos, of course! He was so honoured to have such wonderful people to look after and protect. He loved his role as father, it suited him perfectly, and Patton loved the other Sides so much he thought he would burst. It felt like every time he thought he had reached the limit, his heart grew a little more, and he loved them with renewed passion.</p><p>Yes, the other Sides were his reason for living, and he would keep going, for them. But that didn’t mean he loved himself.</p><p><em>It’s strange that no one’s checked on me today,</em> he thought idly, but remembered the sign he had posted outside the door: Do Not Disturb, painted with all the loving care Roman had to offer. He had given it to him after Thomas made the Moving On: Parts One and Two video, just in case Patton needed space to “get out all those negative feelings”. Patton was infinitely grateful.</p><p>He didn’t want to get out of bed or get checked on, and yet, it made him a bit sad that he couldn’t even muster up the strength to go see the others. But he also knew that if they saw him like this they would be concerned. His hair was dirty, his skin pasty and unhealthy-looking, and he knew he’d probably just stress out his family. Virgil, for one, had a sharp eye and even sharper tongue, and he’d be quick to point out Patton’s hypocrisy when he told Virgil to take care of himself. Patton knew he was a hypocrite. At least this way the other Sides wouldn't have to deal with him.</p><p>Gosh, he really was a mess, wasn’t he?</p><p>With that realisation the guilt started coming, and with it the tears. He cried softly as he lay there with the Imagination storming just outside his window. For a second, it seemed like he couldn’t breathe, and he choked on his tears, rolling over onto his side with one leg on top of the other. He held his frog plushy to his chest and sobbed bitterly. He was being a horrible father by just leaving his kiddos to take care of himself when he skulked off to cry like this and he chided himself to get it together, but he just- couldn’t.</p><p>He was such a wreck of a person. It was no wonder his kiddos weren't there, they probably didn't want to deal with him being like this.</p><p>It was like he was a statue, left to weather in the sun. He was stuck there, knowing, but powerless. He lay a hand over his mouth to stifle the sounds, then took it back off when he remembered all of the rooms were soundproof. What time is it? What responsibilities was he neglecting?</p><p>The tears kept flowing but the sobbing slowly turned back to silence. He held his plushy out at arm’s length and looked at it: the permanent smile and rosy cheeks. That was how he had to be. Not this blubbering, useless mess. Patton took a few deep breaths and smiled back, feeling himself gain composure.</p><p>A white tag on the frog caught his eye. He hadn’t noticed it before. Patton carefully turned over the plushy, pretending not to see the wet spots from his earlier crying, and inspected the tag. It wasn’t a tag at all, but a letter, folded up.</p><p>“Thomas,</p><p>I know you’re sick of me trying, and I know you probably don’t miss me. But I miss you. So much. I can’t stand this grief that comes when I think about you and the way we left things because I’m so used to feeling happy whenever I think about you or see your face in pictures. I want to know everything about you- how you’ve been since we parted- but I know I don’t really have the right.</p><p>Please, just tell me how you’ve been. I’m worried about you. I miss all of the memories we shared together, the times in theatre, the auditions, the picnics, the cuddling. I miss that stupid running joke we had about the prop phone. I even miss your incredible stubbornness and grumpy morning moods.</p><p>I understand if you don’t want me back. But please, I need an answer. I need closure. If you ever cared about me, even a little bit, please give me this.</p><p>I want you back, if you're willing to have me.</p><p>Love…”</p><p>Patton stared in amazement. He thought both Thomas and him were over each other. And how did the letter get here? Maybe this was a letter he had never sent to Thomas, or maybe Thomas had gotten the letter but decided to push it out of his mind or use Deceit to act like he’d never even seen it.</p><p>Or, wait, what if this was a letter from his morality? Maybe there was still an emotional connection between the two that Thomas didn’t know about, that Patton was blissfully unaware of.</p><p>It wasn’t clear exactly where the letter came from, but it was obvious the words were sincere. Patton was torn on whether or not to share this with Thomas, but more so, he was torn on his own feelings again. The letter had reminded him of all the good times, and he found himself missing them more than ever, wishing for the time when things were simpler. He couldn’t help it.</p><p>Everything flashed before him again: the picnics, the musicals, the evenings spent canoodling on the couch. Thomas’ tears before he wiped them away and recorded The Things We Used to Share. The effort it took to stop scrolling through his Instagram, feeling hurt at the pictures of the two of them together that were no longer there.</p><p>If Thomas still cared about his ex... he didn't want to think about what that meant. That would mean he probably had lied to him again, pretending to know about what he was feeling, which was a horrifying prospect for Patton, who was supposed to be his <em>morality.</em> And if Patton lied, if Patton did something dishonest or immoral, it made him useless, didn't it? Patton should just duck out now or just let himself collapse. Not having morality might be better for Thomas than having a faulty morality. Patton wasn't worth saving.</p><p>Before he knew it, he was crying again, but harder this time. Maybe the letter was just a cruel jab at Thomas to insult his feelings further, to provide the illusion that he still cared for Thomas but then would yank the rug out from under him once more. Patton was trying, trying to come up with some sort of explanation, but nothing would come. In a way, he was barely surprised at his inability to think. Nobody thought he was very smart anyway.</p><p>Logan’s words rang in his head. “All of this, because Patton can’t get over one person?”</p><p>All of the times Virgil just nodded through his concerned words, tuning him out like white noise.</p><p>Roman’s teasing at Patton’s interests and his anger at Patton whenever he got too excited.</p><p>They were right, Patton was pathetic. He didn’t actually make any useful contributions, he just acted as a housewife, patching up the other sides when they needed it. Every single time he’d made a contribution, it had been by accident or by using someone else’s ideas in combination with his own. They didn’t really need him. Sure, Patton loved the Sides dearly. But they sure as hell didn’t love him back.</p><p>Hours passed, or days, maybe, but Patton didn’t move from his bed. He felt like he was becoming part of it, fused with his sheets and pillows. He was lucky Sides didn’t really have a need to sleep or eat if they didn’t want to. He drifted in and out of dreams, but never really got any rest. A couple of Sides knocked, one sounded like Logan (three hard taps) and one sounded like Deceit (muffled by gloves), but he didn’t answer. He just wanted everything to stop.</p><p>A while longer passed and another knock sounded by the door. “Patton? You in there?” It sounded like Virgil.</p><p>Patton rolled over, shoulder to the door, praying for them to go away. He heard Virgil sink back in and felt his hand gently nudge at his shoulder, but Patton kept his eyes closed.</p><p>“I guess he’s sleeping,” Virgil whispered.</p><p>“Alright, we’ll leave him be then. I’ll leave this note here.” Logan.</p><p>He heard the pairs of footsteps recede and the small whoosh as both Sides sank back out. Only then did he turn back to read the note they had written.</p><p>He recognised Logan’s neat print. “Patton, we have noticed you seem to be undergoing a bout of negative feelings. While we understand the need for privacy, we have recently become concerned at the length of time for which you have isolated yourself. Please note that we are ‘here for you’, and are willing to provide any kind of support you may require.” Beneath that, Virgil and Roman had signed their names as well.</p><p>Maybe he wasn’t as alone as he thought he was.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So, that's another chapter out! I didn't think I'd actually end up releasing any of my work, let alone two chapters in two days. Let me know what you think and please, please give me constructive criticism! I need to learn how to improve. Thanks again. :)</p><p>Oh! Also! Go check out SerotoninDeficient, they have great work and Birds Of a Feather is a masterpiece. Just saying.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Tense secrecy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Virgil is suspicious of Patton and tries to make him feel better with pancakes, but runs into an even more suspicious Roman.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Virgil closed Patton’s door behind him with a sigh. He was worried about Patton, it had been days since they had seen him last, and he knew he should probably talk to him about how he was doing at some point. He was almost grateful Patton had been sleeping, so he could put it off for a few days longer. Unsurprisingly, family talks about feelings were quite the source of anxiety for him.</p><p>Patton was always unfailingly kind and supportive to the other Sides (though occasionally rather strict with Thomas), and Virgil fretted that the constant toll of giving was beginning to eat away at Patton. He had read about it countless times in books: the ever-sweet protagonist who fell not because they were a bad person or because they were outwitted, but because they gave away too much of themselves. He couldn’t remember the last time Patton had refused to do one of the other Sides a favour, no matter the cost in time and personal resources.</p><p><em>Well, that wasn’t completely true.</em> Remus did try to ask him for a favour at one point. The only reason Patton couldn’t fulfil it was because Virgil and Roman had teamed up to cover both Remus’ mouth and Patton’s ears.</p><p>Regardless, Patton was known for his obliging personality, which made it all the more strange that he hadn’t come down to make dinner or do the housework. Even weirder, he hadn’t checked up on Thomas in nearly a week. When Thomas had asked about him, they told him what was up, and he glanced away with a guilty look.</p><p>That more than anything had set off the warning bells in Virgil’s head. Something had been going on with Thomas, and he figured it was affecting the other Sides in some way. No one actively mentioned anything wrong, which was somehow worse, since Virgil figured that they were more likely to hide something if it was truly terrible. Although Roman seemed much the same, Logan and Patton were nearly absent most of the time. For Logan it wasn’t horribly unusual- he seemed to prefer his hyper clean room to the commons- but for Patton it was completely off the cuff.</p><p>Hence why Virgil decided to start cooking and attempt to make Patton’s favourite food: pancakes. Virgil hadn’t really cooked often in the past (any sort of dangerous heat sources made him nervous) but pancakes did happen to be within his cooking skills.</p><p>Setting out the mixing bowls, Bisquick, griddle, chocolate chips, and sprinkles, he looked up as Roman walked in. “You’re looking extra today, Princey.”</p><p>Indeed, Roman was wearing his usual outfit, but his eyeliner was winged and his nails were painted firetruck red. “Oh, come on, Anxiety, I worked hard on it! You’re looking rather jealous, if I do say so myself. Keep your emo vibes in that corner.”</p><p>“It… wasn’t an insult.”</p><p>“…oh.”</p><p>After a long and incredibly awkward pause, Roman spoke up again.</p><p>“What are you making?”</p><p>“Pancakes. I was hoping I could lure Patton out of his room. D’you think something’s up with him? He seems sort of off.”</p><p>“I mean, I haven’t seen him recently, but I’ve been busy making art of myself. Why, is he doing something wrong?”</p><p>Virgil frowned at his wording and poured a few pancakes. “No, nothing inherently wrong, he just spends a lot of time in his room. He was sleeping when I checked up on him a bit ago. At 5 PM.”</p><p>“You’re right, that is unlike him. Do you need help with the pancakes?”</p><p>“Nah, I got it. But could you set the table?”</p><p>“Sure.”</p><p>As Virgil walked over to get orange juice to pour into the glasses that had been set out, Roman frowned. “Virgil, did something happen to your leg? You’re limping a bit.”</p><p>Virgil’s blood seemed to freeze solid, but he was quick to think on his feet and make up a lie. “Nothing, I just tripped and accidentally hurt myself on the stairs. I lost my balance and slammed my knee into the banister.”</p><p>The furrow between Roman’s brows grew deeper. “Wait, I thought you didn’t have stairs going up to your room like we do?”</p><p>“I was going up to Logan’s room. He insists on having stairs because of some study he read about how it increases your exercise. You probably didn’t hear it because everything’s soundproofed.”</p><p>“Oh. Well, alright…” Roman mumbled, turning back to the table. </p><p>As soon as Roman turned his back, Virgil let himself freak out for a moment, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. As soon as he felt himself calm down enough that his hands weren’t shaking, he walked back over to Patton’s room and gently opened the door to let the smells through.</p><p>Sure enough, Patton came out of his room a few minutes later, looking drowsy and disoriented, but smiling. Virgil was struck by just how exhausted he looked but decided not to comment. “Hey, Pat, come have dinner.”</p><p>“Awww, you made pancakes, you know those are my favourite! Is there anything left to do?” His smile was just a touch too bright.</p><p>“No, me and Roman have it handled. Go ahead and sit down.”</p><p>“It’s ‘Roman and I’, not ‘me and Roman’,” Logan said flatly as he walked in.</p><p>“Hi, Logan,” Patton said. “What have you been doing?”</p><p>Logan sighed. “Trying to plan out the mess that is Thomas’ schedule. The new video he is working on has really become an obstacle for him, and he is beginning to grow quite frustrated with me as well, as he thinks the schedule I proposed to him to maximise his productivity is impossible to keep up with. At this rate, we’ll end up postponing the video’s release if he continues at the rate he’s performing. Something isn’t right.” He ran a hand over his face. “I set out a plan and explained why he needs to do everything, which worked the last two times he had issues related to his productivity, but this is different. I can’t explain why, but there’s something that feels… different. Off.” He looked up to meet Patton’s gaze, and startled. “What?”</p><p>“Nothing.” Patton giggled and dug into his pancakes. </p><p>“Um… Alright.” Virgil swore he could see a bit of pink on Logan’s cheeks. “What have you been doing lately, Patton?”</p><p>“Oh, me? Don’t worry about your little old Patton! I’ve just been relaxing a bit, I don’t want to be too strict on Thomas. I thought maybe it would help him get things done if he isn’t so worried about what I think.”</p><p>Virgil looked up, surprised. It actually made sense- he was half-expecting another weak excuse from Patton on why he seemed so reluctant to come out of his room.</p><p>Of course, Virgil wondered if he was the reason why Thomas couldn’t get anything done. Maybe he had gone too far in trying to keep Thomas from becoming too anxious, and had caused his anxiety to abate too much. The curve Logan had showed him did suggest that not being anxious was unproductive.</p><p>Go figure. He kept trying to moderate the amount of anxiety Thomas was feeling, and this was the result.</p><p>But it didn’t explain why Patton looked so exhausted or pale. To be honest, Patton looked like he was about to pass out, and Virgil had no idea why. But it was Patton’s job to worry about other people, not his.</p><p>
  <em>Besides, I’m being hypocritical. I shouldn’t try to moderate Patton’s moods like I did with Thomas’ anxiety, I’ll probably fail again.</em>
</p><p>Roman was the only one who voiced his doubts. “Are you sure that’s all it is, Padre?”</p><p>“Of course! Why would I lie to you guys, you’re my family!” Patton grinned.</p><p>“If you say so.”</p><p>They finished the meal in a strange, tense silence that hadn’t been there before. Patton was too happy, Virgil was getting anxious, and both Logan and Roman were frowning into their orange juice. </p><p>Patton stood up first. “Thanks for making dinner, Virge! Sorry I forgot, I must have gotten too relaxed and fallen asleep. I’m going to go back to my room and eat a cookie, ‘kay?”</p><p>Virgil eyed him up and down, checking for flaws in his façade, but found none. “…Sure. I’m gonna go back to my room too. Bye.”</p><p>__________</p><p>Roman snapped his fingers, instantly cleaning up the mess, and turned around to say goodbye to Logan but found he had already sunk out.</p><p>Roman was admittedly rather disturbed at the other sides’ behaviour.  All of them were acting sort of fishy. <br/>Logan’s behaviour wasn’t nearly as odd, but he was acting weird whenever Patton spoke to him: somehow colder than his usual flat self, which was saying something. <em>But maybe Logan’s just kinda weird like that. </em>Patton sure as hell wasn’t doing alright, he had never seen the other side so exhausted, and he was unsure about the truthfulness of Virgil’s story.</p><p>Virgil did look exceedingly freaked out when he mentioned the limp, and he had watched Virgil cover it up with a scowl. Not to mention the fact that while their rooms were soundproofed, the commons weren’t, which means he can hear it whenever Remus uses the stairs that lead to Roman’s room as a mattress slide.</p><p>
  <em>But why would he lie about that?</em>
</p><p>Roman shook himself and returned to his painting. He had a feeling something was going on, but he was sure he’d find out in time.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you all for your lovely comments and criticism on my previous chapters. Per the usual, I'm more than willing to accept constructive criticism and I do usually edit my chapters according to your suggestions. (Seriously. You guys are awesome.)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. No space for words here</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Roman finds a dejected Patton. Logan and Virgil interrogate Thomas on why he's being so unproductive, and an unexpected guest shows up.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So, I did end up taking the weekend off. Here's a chapter that's a bit longer than the rest. </p><p>This is a lot of crying and cuddles. TW: crying and depression, I guess?</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Thomas scowled a bit, looking over the script he was attempting to type out on his computer. He couldn’t seem to make himself do the work. The plan was there, his work pace was established, and he knew exactly what he was supposed to be doing and why. But something was amiss.</p><p>He sighed.</p><p>“Oh my God, Thomas, that’s like, the eighth time you’ve sighed dramatically just this hour. What is happening.” Joan said irritably.</p><p>“I don’t know, I just… don’t feel motivated.”</p><p>“Do you want me to bring up one of the scripts for Losing Motivation?”</p><p>“No, this is different! It’s not… Logan’s thingy, it’s something else.” Although he would never tell Joan, he was secretly a bit embarrassed at being 30 and still having to use the Sides as metaphors for what he was feeling. He chided himself, though, because he knew he didn't have to feel embarrassed about expressing himself oddly. It was kind of his thing.</p><p>“So you made a plan and everything but you just don’t feel like doing it?”</p><p>“…yeah.” Joan gave him an odd look.</p><p>“Are you going to be able to finish the script by the filming start date?” they asked.</p><p>“I think so! Almost definitely. This procrastination thing usually passes in a few days. Today, it just feels like my heart isn’t in it.” It wasn’t exactly a lie. Thomas felt guilt wash over him nonetheless.</p><p>“Then do you want to end here for tonight?”</p><p>“Sure, I don’t think I’ll be able to get anything done tonight anyway.”</p><p>Joan spun their chair towards Thomas, resting their hands on the table. “Thomas, are you doing alright?”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“You’ve been acting weird for days. You stopped smiling. You haven’t gone anywhere because you said you were sleeping, but you have dark circles under your eyes.”</p><p>Thomas exhaled a short breath like a tiny laugh and tried to pour sincerity into his eyes. “Joan, really, I’m alright. I just got that new mattress cover and I’m getting used to it, so it’s a bit harder to sleep. I’ll be back to normal soon, I promise.”</p><p>As soon as Joan left his apartment, Logan rose up and angrily started interrogating Thomas. “Is something wrong with the plan I gave you?! Why aren’t you being on task? I get that my original schedule was a bit, well-“</p><p>“Extreme?”</p><p>“Whatever! But we both revised it and put together something else that will suffice. You agreed to do this. You have an obligation to produce content,” he said, clapping on each syllable, “and I don’t understand why I’m the only one currently holding you accountable. Why have you been struggling with your workload this time?”</p><p>“I know, Logan, you don’t have to nag me. You’ve been doing just fine.”</p><p>“Well, what’s holding up the content, then? Why don’t I call the other Sides in here?”</p><p>“Sure.”</p><p>Virgil was the first to come and blinked, disoriented. “Why am I here?”</p><p>“Thomas has been having issues with his productivity, and since I have already done my part to keep him accountable, now we are trying to figure out who else could be at fault,” Logan explained. “Thomas, have you been feeling your usual levels of anxiety lately?”</p><p>Before Thomas could answer, Roman came up with a flamboyant gesture. “It is I, Roman! How happy I am to be here! It has seriously been way too long, Tommy-Salami.”</p><p>“Yes, that’s why we called you here,” Logan growled, visibly losing patience. “Thomas doesn’t have motivation to work on the script.”</p><p>“Well, I can assure you I did my part!”</p><p>“Thomas, is this true?” Logan asked.</p><p>“Yeah, I haven’t had any shortage of ideas. In fact, I have a lot of them just flying around in my head. I don’t think it’s his fault.”</p><p>Roman pumped his fists and grinned. “Yes! I am as fabulous as ever. Are we done here?”</p><p>“Why don’t you stick around a little longer, Princey? Maybe you can help us out with this.”</p><p>“Well, alright. My presence is a gift.”</p><p>“Virgil, as I was saying, his lack of motivation may be due to a lack of anxiety. Like I showed you on my Yverkes-Dodson curve-“</p><p>“Yeah, yeah, a lack of me can be just as unproductive as too much of me. But I’m not really doing anything different,” Virgil shrugged.</p><p>Logan wasn’t convinced. “Well, let’s hear it from him. Have your levels of anxiety been consistently adequate for working?”</p><p>Thomas thought it over for a moment. Had he been feeling anxious? Although the video’s scheduled completion date was rapidly approaching, he hadn’t really felt any of the worries usually attached to working on the video. It was strange, really.</p><p>Regardless, Thomas knew it wasn’t Virgil’s fault. He wasn’t about to explain all of the longing he had been feeling to Logan, though. “Actually, now that I think about it, I haven’t been as anxious as usual.”</p><p>“Well-“ Virgil scoffed. “That’s not my fault. Besides, shouldn’t you be working more smoothly since Patton and I haven’t been harping on you the whole time?” (Logan found himself unable to hold back a small smile at Virgil’s use of the correct grammar this time.)</p><p>“Well, yeah, it’s nicer to work this way, I’m just less productive. Why isn’t Patton here yet?”</p><p>“He’s been trying to leave you alone. I’ll go find him,” Roman said, and sank down.</p><p>“Perhaps this is an issue related to Patton this time,” Logan said. He adjusted his tie and his glasses. “You said yourself, you haven’t really been feeling anything. He is your feelings. End of story.”</p><p>“Maybe…” Thomas sighed. Logan was probably right, but he wasn’t sure if he really wanted to fix the issue. Even though the video’s progress was slower, it was a bit of a relief to not be super anxious. It was like the pressure had released, just for a while, which made him get used to working under less stress. He was slightly worried that if he went back to feeling the way he usually did, it would have a greater strain on him.</p><p>Logan pursed his lips. “We’ll wait for Roman to get back. Until then, there’s nothing we can do.”</p><p>__________</p><p>Roman knocked softly on Patton’s door. “Hey, Padre, you up?”</p><p>He didn’t hear an answer, but Roman’s concern outweighed his desire for Patton to have privacy. He opened the door.</p><p>Clothes were strewn about the room. The items Thomas had so loved from his childhood, once pristine and lovingly displayed, were scattered carelessly. The furniture was stained and in disarray. There were tissues in small piles and various cords tangled together in corners, which Roman ran to unplug for fear of a fire. Half written thank-you notes lined the desk. It didn’t look like he had ruined his room in a fit of anger; rather, it looked as though he had just let it fall to ruin, like that was the way the room was destined to go from the start, and Patton had just stopped interfering. Even the particles in the air that once shined in a nostalgic way just looked dusty and sad.</p><p>He tried to find Patton in the wreckage without disturbing his room, but eventually had to imagine away the mess to clear a path to his bed. The room was grey and bleak without the colourful messes, the only spot of colour being the frog stuffed animal that Patton cradled in his arms, but even the frog looked like it was bleeding colour and fading.</p><p>Patton looked as though he were a part of his bed, blending in with the pillows and blankets like it had been years since he left his room. Roman gently peeled the covers back and found him not sleeping, but crying, staring off like a statue. His eyes were wide and startlingly brown in the dim light as tears dripped down his cheek sideways, crossing his nose and coming to rest on the mattress. His skin glowed with an unhealthy pallor, even in the low light.</p><p>Roman slid under the covers next to him and ran a hand over his cheek. He brushed away Patton’s tears with his thumbs. “Patton, dearest? What’s wrong?”</p><p>Patton just closed his eyes, and Roman didn’t push him further, just gently moved the plushy and put his arms around Patton in a sweet embrace. It took Patton a moment to respond. When he did, he buried his face in Roman’s chest and cuddled close as Roman hummed softly. He was shaking, like he was possessed by sobs. Roman ran his hands softly over his arms and he slowly stilled. They stayed there for a while, and they both felt that there was no space for words here. Roman sent Logan a quick message: “Patton’s sad, taking care of him. Be back later”</p><p>Although he wasn’t speaking, Roman’s mind was racing. He didn’t understand why Patton was so despondent. Roman couldn’t think of anything that had happened recently (to his knowledge) that would cause him to go into this sort of depressive state, past the point of taking care of himself. Roman was afraid, because Patton wasn’t the only one acting strange. If Patton was so dejected, what happened to the other Sides that they weren’t letting on? He had caught Virgil in a lie and Logan was irritable and frazzled.</p><p>It was Virgil he was most worried about. There were only a few reasons Roman could think of for why someone would lie about how they got an injury, and Roman didn’t like any of them.</p><p>He shoved the thought away for now and stroked Patton’s hair, feeling him curl as close as he could.</p><p>__________</p><p>Logan, Virgil, and Thomas were sitting in the commons, none of them looking at each other. Logan’s phone buzzed. (Virgil nearly jumped out of his skin.)</p><p>Logan unlocked his phone. “It’s from Roman. It says… ‘Patton’s sad, taking care of him. Be back later.’ Is Patton the reason for your lack of productivity?” He paused for a second. “Thomas, are you feeling alright?”</p><p>“Of course, Logan. Nothing has really happened recently that would influence my emotions that much.”</p><p>A flicker of movement caught his eye in the corner where Patton usually appeared. A flash of yellow gloves, the curl of a cape. A hiss from Virgil.</p><p>“Now, now, Thomas. Why are you lying?”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm Chloe, by the way. I figured I might as well introduce myself. It's the fourth chapter.</p><p>I don't ship Roman and Patton, but I thought it might be nice to include dad-son cuddles. I totally get it if you ship Morince (is that right?) so you can interpret it however you please. The worry Roman has for Virgil is less familial, if you know what I mean.</p><p>So... what do y'all think?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Floating, unmoored</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Thomas comes clean to Logan and Virgil under pressure from Deceit, and Virgil just about loses it.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>"And this is when God created the dung beetle. Because this is where shit gets rolling."<br/>- Kappa Kaiju</p><p>This chapter is a bit shorter than the rest. Super freaking explicit self harm, FYI. If this was an actual person, he'd probably either be dead or in the hospital.</p><p>Stay safe, kiddos.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Now, now, Thomas, why are you lying?”</p><p>“I…don’t know what you mean,” Thomas protested. “There really isn’t anything going on in my life that would make me feel so bad.”</p><p>Deceit raised an eyebrow. “I’m literally deceit, Thomas. I can tell when you’re lying." He swept his gaze over the room. “It’s not my job to tell you why you’re feeling this way, but I would like to compel you to be honest, if only for a brief moment.”</p><p>Thomas wouldn’t meet his eyes. </p><p>“So, Deceit, you’re saying there is a reason why Patton is distressed?” Logan asked.</p><p>“Absolutely.”</p><p>“Thomas, don’t you have an obligation to tell us? It hinders our work as Sides if we are missing crucial information about your mental constitution.”</p><p>Deceit huffed. “That’s true, but you need to give him a minute. It’s harder than you think.”</p><p>“How is it hard? All he needs to do is say what’s wrong. He’s proficient at speaking.”</p><p>Virgil and Deceit both rolled their eyes. “Emotionally, it’s difficult, you dork,” Deceit said.</p><p>All eyes turned back to Thomas, waiting. He closed his eyes and shook his head.</p><p>“It’s… my ex.”</p><p>“Guys and dolls?”</p><p>“…yeah.”</p><p>“Shit.”</p><p>Logan looked confused. “Would you mind elaborating on that? I thought since so much time had passed, everything that was figuratively between you two was dead. Did something happen?”</p><p>Thomas put his face in his hands and groaned. “He wants me back.”</p><p>"Are you sure you aren't misinterpreting it? How did he tell you?"</p><p>"He wrote me a letter that literally says, 'I want you back, if you're willing to have me.' Look." He pulled a letter out of his back pocket. "There."</p><p>This was met by an almost deafening silence.</p><p>Deceit spoke first. “It’s not your fault that he wants you back, you aren’t responsible for his feelings. But do you want him back too, despite everything that went wrong?”</p><p>Thomas’ head shot up. “I-I don’t know! Maybe? He- “ His shoulders slumped. “I don’t know. Really. Maybe Patton knows?”</p><p>Virgil glared at him. “Seriously?? You’re even considering it?”</p><p>"I mean, maybe? We did have a good relationship for a long time..."</p><p>"But you aren't thinking about the bad, are you?"</p><p>"I am, I am! I remember that, but it was still worth being with him. Besides, most of those issues were my fault, I was so sensitive and mistrusting."</p><p>"So you think that just because he was good to you for a while, you owe him your love or something? Is it something ridiculous like that?" Virgil was wearing a grimace that was reminiscent of a smile, and it betrayed just how skeptical he was.</p><p>Deceit started, “Come on, Virgil, it-“ Virgil cut him off.</p><p>“We have been trying to get over that dude for <em>months</em>. You seriously think it’s a good idea to try and get back with him? Come on, Thomas, you aren’t thinking straight, you can’t seriously be that stupid. You’re ignoring everything horrible that happened between you two that made you break up in the first place. Are you just going to- to- overlook how sad he made you? How he talked about your friends so horribly?” Virgil was getting angrier as he spoke. “He was probably bad-mouthing you to your friends too. I thought this had stopped being a problem, like, a <em>long</em> time ago. What the hell, Thomas?! You <em>know</em> he’s bad for you!”</p><p>“Yeah, I do, but-“</p><p>“But nothing! He’s bad for you! Don’t be an idiot! You can’t-”</p><p>“Virgil, stop it!” Deceit yelled. He had a look on his face that wasn’t just horrified, but angry. “You have no right to yell at him for how he feels. You’re doing the same thing you were mad at Patton for!”</p><p>Virgil just stared at Thomas. When nobody moved to relent or take his side, he just scoffed. “I can’t believe we’re back to this.” He hesitated a minute longer, waiting for somebody, any of them, to say something. He shook his head. “Screw this.”</p><p>“Wait, Virgil, you-“</p><p>Virgil was already gone.</p><p>__________</p><p>As soon as Virgil got back to his room, standing outside the door, he braced himself against the flood of anxiety that he was about to feel.</p><p>When he stepped in, it was so much worse than he thought. A tsunami of negative emotions- fear, anger, dread- crested in him as a tumultuous wave, pulling him under. He tried to breathe (what were the numbers again?) but couldn’t finish a single inhale or exhale, breathing with quick and shallow movements. The storm in him whipped around his brain, hot in his chest.</p><p>Just when he thought the wave had peaked, it rose even <em>higher</em>, and he let out a sob as his knees gave out. He couldn’t move, he couldn’t breathe. He was so, so afraid, dreading the decision Thomas was about to make, angry at himself for the way he had talked to Thomas. Deceit had been correct all along. Virgil didn’t have any right to dictate him like that, and he hated that Deceit had been right.</p><p><em>Even he’s better than me,</em> Virgil thought. <em>I don’t deserve to be a part of Thomas.</em></p><p>He reached into his box again and took out the blade, giving himself a small cut on his finger by accident. He stumbled into the bathroom that branched off of his bedroom and stripped down to his boxers and a T-shirt, deciding it would be best to get into the shower, since nobody would bother him there. Tears were leaking from his eyes and they took the dark makeup off his eyes in rivulets that ran down his chest. </p><p>He settled the point of the blade on his skin again, but realised the blade was dirty. He imagined it away, then imagined a new one. <em>Wait. This looks different.</em></p><p>It wasn’t a pencil sharpener blade this time, it was a razor blade, that glinted and shone in an attractive way. He wasn’t about to dwell on why it was different. He quickly made four quick cuts that intersected the last ones, watching the blood mix with water and run down his legs diluted. The cuts were far deeper than those he had made with his smaller blade, and they bled so much more. But with it came a feeling that he had only ever received in small doses and it satisfied something in him.</p><p>He lost himself in the blade, in the blood he was losing. Everything blurred: his vision, from tears, and his thoughts, from satisfaction. He looked down and tried to count the cuts but couldn’t. Beneath the blood was snow-white tissue and something that looked vaguely like lemon jello. This was deeper than he had ever gone.</p><p>He slit his wrist, then, but his hand twitched in the middle and exposed too much flesh, too much blood, and he started panicking for an entirely different reason. <em>Calm down, calm down, CALM DOWN-</em></p><p>He made cut after cut beside it in an effort to compose himself. These were more shallow but didn’t manage to settle his panicking, because the deepest one was still losing so, so much blood. It fell too fast for the shower water to dilute, and fell in a reddish brown pool at his feet. </p><p>Virgil’s hands kept shaking and he dropped the blade, but he felt too faint to pick it back up. He sank against the wall of the shower. He felt so disconnected, now, like he was in a different plane of existence. The only thing anchoring him to this side of reality was the pain in his entire body.</p><p>He slowly slid down to the floor of the tub. <em>God damn, the water stings.</em> Blood was still rushing out of his body and the dizziness was starting to overtake him. The pain wasn’t enough to anchor him anymore and he drifted away like an unmoored ship.</p><p><em>Really hope nobody finds me like this,</em> he thought, and passed out.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>On Twitter there's a hashtag going on with the Fanders called #tendernessforthomas, and it's a pretty great way to show your support for Thomas. He's just an awesome creator all around.</p><p>Also go check out Keep Him Safe by whatwashernameagain. It has 34 chapters currently. Roman and Logan are detectives, Virgil's part of a gang, and Patton runs a Pat-isserie. It's super wonderful, and also incredibly long, but so goddamn worth it. (Longer than any of the LOTR books. Believe me, I checked.)</p><p>So, any thoughts? How's your day going?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Soft in a new way</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Roman convinces Patton to leave his room and they take a walk in the Imagination. Logan is struggling with the idea that maybe he has feelings and punishes himself for them. Patton prepares a surprise for Logan and invites him to walk with them, and maybe something is on the horizon...</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>You thought I wasn't going to post a chapter today? SIKE here's another one. A long one, too.</p><p>This does have explicit self harm in it. Specifically, burning. Don't try this at home kids.</p><p>Also, there's a heaping pile of logicality fluff near the end because I'm self indulgent and lazy and I'm the god of this fanfiction and I could. Don't worry, it's happy at the moment, but it'll probably be angst fuel later. You all know my shitty writing style by now.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Roman felt a movement against his chest and blinked his eyes open. He was still in Patton’s room. The room was darker than before- he must have fallen asleep, he thought, and Patton probably did too, but he couldn’t have been sure how long had passed.</p><p>Patton was sitting up and awake, looking considerably better after his nap. He didn’t seem to notice that Roman had woken up yet.</p><p>Roman decided to “wake up” slowly so as to not scare Patton. He stirred gently, careful to nudge Patton only slightly, and sat up as slowly as he could. “Hey, Pat, how are you doing?”</p><p>Patton smiled. “A lot better.” His smile drooped a bit at the corners. “Sorry you had to see me like that.”</p><p><em>Why is he apologising?</em> “It’s… quite alright Patton. I do believe I needed cuddles too,” he added hastily. It wasn’t necessarily true, he had been doing fine, but he wanted Patton to feel needed. </p><p>Patton smiled at him again, and made a move to get up, but Roman gently took his hand. “Wait. Can we, you know, talk about it?”</p><p>“Talk about what?”</p><p>“You know… you were crying in a dark room, presumably for weeks?”</p><p>Patton had a pleasant expression pasted onto his face. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”</p><p>“Really, Patton, please don’t lie to me. I care about you, Padre, you know?”</p><p>Patton let his pleasant expression fall reluctantly and hugged his frog plushy to his chest again, curling up into a ball. “I just got kind of sad. You don’t have to worry about me, I’m doing okay now, though…”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“It’s about… guys.”</p><p>“Per the usual.”</p><p>“…and dolls…”</p><p>“<em>Oh</em>.“</p><p>“Yeah. He wrote Thomas a letter…”</p><p>“A letter?”</p><p>“Well, I’m not exactly sure if Thomas got it. I found it where the tag on the frog should be…”</p><p>Roman was more than confused. “How do you think that happened? Is that even possible?”</p><p>“I-I don’t know…”</p><p>Patton was starting to get visibly upset again; his cheeks were flushed and his eyes looked almost glassy. Roman stopped questioning him and pulled him in for another hug. The tension slowly melted from Patton’s body and he began speaking again.</p><p>“I just… I feel so bad for still caring about him. It’s been so long now, I should be over him, it shouldn’t be like this still.”</p><p>“Patton, you know you can’t help the way you feel.”</p><p>“What if I cause Thomas to do something bad? It’ll be my fault that Thomas is hurt, and you guys will hate me even more.”</p><p>Roman was shocked at the self-deprecation the usually happy side was clearly struggling with. “Who said they hate you?”</p><p>He hung his head. “They didn’t have to.”</p><p>“That’s so obviously not true. Logan’s worrying about you right now.”</p><p>Patton sniffled. “How do you know?”</p><p>“Everyone kept asking where you were and they were trying to give you privacy, that’s why they didn’t check up on you. Did you read the note Logan and Virgil left?”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“They were trying to be non-intrusive but they really do care about you. Logan can’t seem to focus on anything without you around.”</p><p>“Hey, Roman?”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“D’you think we could go to the commons? I want to see everyone again.”</p><p>“Yeah. Come on, let’s go.” Roman imagined him and Patton cleaned up and presentable, and gently walked with him, hand in hand, out the door.</p><p><br/>__________</p><p><br/>Logan was more concerned than he was willing to admit. Now that Thomas’ dilemma was out in the open, he feared Patton had been even more depressed than he had let on. Thomas, too. If Thomas suffered a major emotional episode the other Sides would be impacted, and he worried it had already hurt Patton. Virgil didn’t seem too far off, and Roman looked just fine, but he was worried about Patton…</p><p>Logan, of course, was not going to be impacted. After all, what is the effect of an emotional episode on someone who doesn’t feel emotion? Its effects were null to him.</p><p>Largely null, anyway, but not completely. Which was a problem.</p><p>It was specifically the nature of the emotional episode that caused him to change a bit, he forced himself to realise. Although most things that deal with both emotion and the other Sides seem to “skip over” him, the fact that this was caused by lingering feelings made it more relevant to Logan in particular. And that was the problem at hand, one he had to get over.</p><p>The schedule he was currently outlining for Thomas (set 3 weeks in advance) was laying on the desk and he worked feverishly on it in a futile attempt to distract himself, hand-measuring and hand-drawing the lines with his fountain pen as many times as necessary. The blue ink was dark and rich but bled a bit, so he had already started over a few times. He kept forcing himself to focus, focus, keep his eyes on his task, but every time he did his brain seemed to insist on wandering further. </p><p>He kept imagining what it would be like to run his hands through Patton’s hair, to kiss him on his forehead and slightly pudgy cheeks, then kiss his soft lips gently and feel his hands against Logan’s cheek. He wondered how soft Patton’s waist was and what he looked like when he slept. He wanted to know what it would be like to-</p><p>He forced himself to stop thinking before the final words cemented themselves in his head. <em>What it would be like to love Patton.</em> He was delusional, he was sure of it. At the very least, something was wrong with him, and he needed to cure it.</p><p>He imagined a lighter in his hand and rolled up his sleeve, flicking it on and watching as the skin began to blister. It felt like his nerve endings were searing, screaming, and he pulled away. He steeled himself, then put it back, directly onto his skin. His flesh was wailing and crying out to him but he forced himself to watch.</p><p>There were already several burned patches of skin on his wrists, some shallow and raw, some puckered and scarred over that were weeks old. He hadn’t felt the need to do it as often lately, because Patton had been absent. <em>“That ship had sailed”, as the kids say.</em> He had been successful dismissing Patton from his thoughts at first, but he began to miss him. That would not do.</p><p>This burn was deeper than the rest and the pain was almost too much to handle. He flicked it off again, before he would involuntarily make any noises.</p><p><em>How does intentional harm affect the brain?</em> he wondered idly. It seemed like something that would have horrible consequences. He made a mental note to research it when he had time. </p><p>The adrenaline washing over his body with the pain had come and gone, and he just felt tired now. He finished writing out the last piece of the schedule and closed his eyes, imagining his burns cleaned and bandaged up. He ambled over to the couch opposite his desk.</p><p>Although Logan was physically in his room, mentally he was figuratively miles away. Logan was too tired to push away the thoughts of Patton and just let the feelings and fantasies wash over him. It felt nice, too nice. He made another mental note: <em>punish yourself for this later.</em></p><p><br/>__________</p><p><br/>Roman and Patton arrived in the commons, and Patton reluctantly let Roman get him some water (“Even the dragon witch knows to stay hydrated!”). Once Roman was sure he was properly taken care of, they went for a walk around the Imagination. The rolling hills were green and well-kept, with bunches of wildflowers blooming in patches along the sidewalk. The air was clean and crisp. Blue skies reigned cloudless overhead. Patton breathed it all in, letting himself enjoy it for the first time in a while.</p><p>“It really is wonderful, isn’t it?”</p><p>“Yes, it really is…” Patton smiled. </p><p>Roman looked over, then did a double take: the bags under Patton’s eyes were repairing themselves faster than was humanly possible. His skin was returning from pasty to glowing, with the freckles reappearing and dotting his skin like a starry sky- he hadn’t even noticed they were gone. A light was returning to his eyes again. His hair that had looked so dirty and unkempt was now shining with a glossy halo that spanned the waves of hair and made him look angelic. He seemed to be glowing from the inside-out.</p><p>“Wow, Patton, what was that?”</p><p>Patton was looking over his arms with a surprised expression. “I guess being away from his Imagination too long doesn’t have great results.” He laughed. “I’m alright now, though, right as rain!”</p><p>They kept walking and chatting, no real purpose or rush in their minds. They passed the forest where Roman fought his battles (and found TV remotes), the lake with its pristine banks, the village, and the aviary. Thomas hadn’t created the aviary- the Sides had imagined it themselves, because every one of them loved birds. Logan loved ornithology and the others had their favourite birds as pets. Patton had a pretty dove. Virgil’s raven was sleek and black with calls that sounded like croaking.  Not all of the birds were exactly realistic- Roman’s phoenix was predictably extra and preened constantly.</p><p>They meandered over to the orchards by the little cottage. The cottage wasn’t in use anymore; rather, it was a relic from Thomas’ childhood, one where he had created a space in his mind to go to where he was upset or scared. The little cottage still had his posters and comfy pillow fort he had used so often as a kid. It reminded Patton a bit of his room and he loved it for that.</p><p>The orchards were growing lychees, peaches, and some sweet smelling flowers Patton didn’t know the name of. He gathered up a few of them in blue and purple to give to Logan later.  He wasn’t sure why exactly he wanted to give them to him- he probably didn’t have any use for them, and he more than likely thought that he was beyond enjoying something so simple. But Patton thought maybe something that had so much natural beauty to offer might change his mind. He was sure the beauty <em>rose</em> above anything Logan had seen.</p><p>They were perfect, as everything in the orchard was, and Patton and Roman continued along, picking lychees as they passed. Patton spoke again.</p><p>“Have you seen Logan lately?”</p><p>“Now that I think about it, no. Why?”</p><p>“I’m not sure. I wanted to give these flowers to him.”</p><p>Roman snorted. “I don’t know if the nerd has the ability to appreciate flowers. He doesn’t think impractical things are worth his time.”</p><p>“That gives me an idea! Hang on.” He closed his eyes and imagined really hard for a second, and when he opened them again, the flowers were woven together in a perfect crown, blooming in the prettiest shades of blue. He couldn’t contain his excitement and let out a small squeal. “It’s perfect! He’ll adore them.”</p><p>“Whatever you say, Padre…” Roman said, looking skeptical.</p><p>“Cute rhyme! Okay, I’m going to call him now.”</p><p>Logan answered the tug in record time and rose up, looking serious and slightly overworked. “Patton, you look… well. Is there something I can do for you?” His gaze moved. “Or you, Roman?”</p><p>“Well, our dear Patton has a surprise for you!”</p><p>“Oh, Darwin. You know I’m not exactly what one would call a lover of surprises.”</p><p>Patton hesitated uncertainly. “Can I still show you though?”</p><p>“…If you must.”</p><p>“Okay, close your eyes…”</p><p>Logan did so, and Patton paused again, just taking in the sight of Logan trusting him so much. He seemed to fit into the flawless scenery around them, even though he was dressed in strict clothes as always. A small blush painted his cheeks. He reached up to gently place the crown on his head, arranging his hair around it. Logan’s lips were parted ever so slightly. Patton made himself back up a bit.</p><p>Logan began to change. Much the same way Patton had, his skin began to look healthy and nourished, the creases from his clothes disappearing, his hair styled and shiny. He looked beautiful and sweet. The flowers smoothed out the rough edges of his face and made him look soft in a way Patton hadn’t seen before.</p><p>He blinked his eyes open and found them both staring at him. “This is actually quite pleasing.”</p><p>“You look… so pretty…” Patton whispered. He seemed breathless and Logan couldn’t quite understand why. </p><p>“Patton, are you feeling alright?”</p><p>“I’ve never been better.”</p><p>Roman invited Logan to walk with them, and although all three of them were talking together, Patton and Logan both pretended not to notice the other’s lingering eyes.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hi again. I know I got carried away with this one, but I hope it wasn't too bad. Anyway, let me know where you would want this to go in the future. I need suggestions. (Apparently I'm deciding to continue this fic. We'll see how long this inspiration lasts.)</p><p>Thanks for reading, as always. I try to respond to every comment if I can. That's probably annoying but I really do adore interacting with readers. :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Snake eyes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Logan finds Virgil in a less-than-satisfactory state and takes care of him. Janus comes looking for Virgil and confronts Logan instead.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I do like this chapter. Snake boi has something up his long slithery sssleeves.</p><p>There's a good bit of logicality in here, mostly pining. A hint of prinxiety if you squint really hard and interpret it that way. Also loceit, I guess? I wrote it platonically but it could be romantic.</p><p>TW: self harm (burning, cutting, intentional bruising), talk of medical operations (sutures and bandages). I know the last one probably isn't necessary but I usually hate hearing about people getting stitched up. </p><p>Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The walk with Roman and Patton had come and gone, and Logan’s thoughts were still in disarray.</p><p>He had punished himself for it several times over. As of right now, there wasn’t a spot on his left arm anywhere from his elbow to just before his wrist that wasn’t burned or scarred. The flower crown still lay on his desk, natural and blooming and beautiful. Like its creator.</p><p>He hated how much he cared for Patton. Even the things that had once annoyed him, like the incessant dad jokes, the random epiphanies, and the love of onesies had turned endearing to him at some point. </p><p>Logan felt himself beginning to smile and schooled his face into his trademark neutral expression. Clearly his room wasn’t working in the way it should, so he should go for a walk to allow it to reset its effects. Perhaps the next time he went in there, it would begin helping him feel logical again. </p><p>He hesitated for a moment to decide where he wanted to go. Logan hadn’t seen Virgil in a while, so he figured he would check up on him, to avoid a situation like Patton’s. Virgil had also been noticeably distressed upon his departure from their last discussion.</p><p>Virgil’s room was at the end of the hallway, having been the last to be added to their floor. Logan strode to the door and knocked. He didn’t receive a reply.</p><p>He figured that there was at least a 60% chance of Virgil being in a distressed state, although he couldn’t calculate the chances of him being upset that Logan had checked up on him. He was rather unpredictable when it came to accepting gestures of kindness or compassion in any capacity. The chances of him being upset were there, but Logan had learned his lesson when it came to leaving Sides who were prone to negative emotion to their own devices for too long. He sank into Virgil’s room. </p><p>The room looked as messy as always, so Logan wasn’t concerned. He noticed a strange stain on the carpet- maybe an energy drink? The shower was running.</p><p>He knocked on the door. “Virgil, are you present?”</p><p>He didn’t receive a response.</p><p>Water was seeping slightly from underneath the door before it hit the invisible barrier that prevented their rooms from flooding. Patton had once forgotten that he had turned on the faucet for a bath and the mess threatened to ruin some of Thomas’ old things, so they had all put in a waterproof imaginary failsafe. </p><p>If water was seeping through now, it meant that the shower had indeed been running for a long time. He closed his eyes for Virgil’s privacy and sank into the bathroom with mounting concern. He felt water on his shoes (his professional business shoes, too!) but kept his eyelids firmly shut. “Virgil, are you there? May I open my eyes?”</p><p>“Logan?” He sounded weak. Logan braved a short glimpse.</p><p>Virgil was laying in the bathtub looking faint, mostly clothed, bathed in red. Several angry and deep gashes spanned the length of his arm and his thighs starting just below his boxers. One of the cuts on his wrist appeared as though he had slit a vein and was surrounded by less deep cuts, as though he had panicked upon seeing the blood. The deepest one still oozed blood, as though it would be bleeding strongly if Virgil had any more blood left to give.</p><p>Logan panicked for a moment before his knowledge kicked in. He quickly imagined away the water and made his clothes dry, turned off the faucet, and heaved him into a sitting position. With the way Virgil’s eyelids were fluttering, he doubted Virgil would be conscious much longer, and he assumed that Virgil had lost consciousness a few times already.</p><p>A razor blade was laying in the tub and Logan pocketed it, disturbed.</p><p>He created a tourniquet of sorts from a cloth he conjured and tied it firmly. Sides couldn’t die, but they could fade if they stayed close to death for a long time or decided to stop functioning, which was essentially death. Logan couldn’t be sure how long Virgil had been like this. A few hours at the very least.</p><p>He conjured a suture kit and some morphine, then imagined the needle stitching up Virgil’s arm. He bandaged it by hand just in case.</p><p>Lifting Virgil’s unconscious body from the bathtub took a few more tries than he thought it would. By the time he finally did, the bandage was bloody and he redid it before laying him in his bed and drawing the covers around him.</p><p>He returned to the bathroom to wash his hands. His mind was warring over whether or not to tell the others about how they had found Virgil.</p><p>If he did, he would be a massive hypocrite. Not to mention that if he talked about self harm in regards to Virgil, the others might grow suspicious of him. The biggest reason was that if the others found out it might drive Virgil to decide to stop functioning altogether and he might fade before the others could do anything.</p><p>Besides, being in Virgil’s room was enhancing Logan’s anxious thoughts, though only a bit. The majority of his brain that didn’t feel much was just fine.<em> I am emotionally compromised,</em> he told himself, <em>so I shouldn’t make any decisions now.</em></p><p>His sleeve rode up a bit on his left arm and the hot water made him wince. <em>Such a hypocrite.</em></p><p>__________</p><p>Janus was pacing around the dark commons. Remus sat at the island in their kitchen (if you could call it that) and just watched him go, occasionally breaking his own arm and mending it back together.</p><p>He was sure something was going on with the light sides, that Thomas’ little emotional affair was affecting them so much more than they were letting on. Virgil in particular.</p><p>Virgil had always been unusually susceptible to emotional matters, even if he said edgy things like “I don’t have a soul” or “Blacker than my heart”. Janus was certain that if he didn’t have a soul, it was more than likely that he had cut it out himself. He figured Anxiety had a self harm problem long before he had his confirmation, the one day Remus stole his jacket to play a prank and Janus had seen the long scars and dried blood. However, he hadn’t confronted Virgil on it. He averted his eyes and pretended nothing had happened.</p><p>It was unforgivable that he had just let it go, but at the same time, who was he to tell Virgil how to live his life? Anyone who had seen Janus without his heavy coat and cape would recognise the cuts and bruises. It only became more relevant that Virgil hurt himself when he became a light side. Now he wasn’t just hurting himself, but he was risking a major part of Thomas’ identity.</p><p>That’s why it didn’t matter when Janus did it. He could do whatever the fuck he wanted, it’s not like he was going to become a full light side. And Virgil still hated him.</p><p>That stung more than he was willing to admit. Janus had found himself in existence when Thomas was four, and Janus had been called a lot until Thomas was about ten and he realised lying wasn’t really worth it. Virgil had blinked into existence when Thomas was six and then developed through middle school. The years when they had been developing through frequent use together were what caused them to become friends. Both were ostracised by the others consistently and the “light vs dark” part of it developed when Thomas was about seven. Remus split off from Roman at about age nine and instantly became a dark side.</p><p>Janus felt as though he were one of just two people who could say they knew Virgil well, the other one being Roman. Logan understood him theoretically, but not personally, and Patton was just lost on the idea of existing to produce negative emotion. Roman got the connection between creating things and being uncertain whether what he was creating was good enough. Although Roman’s primary purpose was creativity, he also played a major part (pun not intended) in critiquing his own work as Virgil so often did.</p><p>So, Janus had felt himself being replaced. But that didn’t mean he had stopped worrying about Virgil. He had been fretting about how Virgil was holding up ever since the discussion with Thomas. <em>Today,</em> he thought, <em>I’ll finally check on him. Just for my own peace of mind.</em></p><p>He threw his cape over his shoulders. “I’m going to go take a walk.”</p><p>“Bye, Janny! Don’t let the Venus flytraps get ya!” Remus exclaimed cheerily.</p><p>He sank down into Virgil’s room and reappeared, startled to see Logan there with him. Logan had his back turned to the door and was inspecting something on his left arm, rolling his sleeve down as he heard Janus’ footsteps. “Deceit.”</p><p>Janus inclined his head. “Logan.” He flicked his attention over to Virgil. “What happened this time?”</p><p>Logan evidently didn’t see the point in keeping the truth from him. “I found him in the bathtub, passed out with several deep wounds. You don’t sound surprised,” he noted.</p><p>“I’m not, particularly. But how are you holding up?”</p><p>“Just fine, thank you.”</p><p>“No, really.”</p><p>“I have been better,” he admitted. “But walking with Patton and Roman did help.”</p><p>“How is our dear Patton?”</p><p>“He seems to be doing well.”</p><p>“So, then, what is bothering you?”</p><p>Logan saw the connection between Janus asking about his mental constitution and Patton’s, and he blushed a bit, but kept his head held stiffly high. “Nothing of real importance.”</p><p>“Then what happened to your arm?” Janus asked.</p><p>He sighed. “You saw that.”</p><p>“May I?” Janus asked, his gloved hand outstretched. Logan hesitantly put his hand in his, wrist upwards, sleeve rolled up. Janus examined him critically. “It seems to be healing well.”</p><p>“Yes,” Logan said flatly. “Is there something else you need?</p><p>“Not particularly,” he said, “but I had been meaning to check up on Virgil for a while, and now I know I should keep an eye on both of you. I’ll leave you be, then,” he said over his shoulder, making a move to sink out.</p><p>“Deceit, wait.”</p><p>“Hm?”</p><p>“Have you ever struggled with intentional self harm?”</p><p>“I have, not that it matters. Goodbye.” He sank out and reappeared in his room. He took off his coats and hat, and went to go feed his snake. Janus was moving on autopilot.</p><p>So his suspicions were confirmed. Virgil had been suffering again. But he couldn’t say he had anticipated Logan’s issues. He had a feeling it had something to do with Patton, and Logan’s response to his directed line of questioning made it plausible. Perhaps it was time to bring Logan and Patton together.</p><p>Janus worked on his lengthy scheme for the rest of the day. Remus stopped in briefly to give him a snack (which he quickly threw out) and pet his snake. He felt a slight pang of guilt in the back of his mind at the brazen manipulation that would have to take place to make everything work. He’d have to do it in a way that would keep Logan or Patton from feeling bad- Janus himself would have to be the culprit, not either one of them, since they would get down on themselves if they thought they did something wrong. At the same time, it wouldn’t do to make it seem like Janus’ end goal was to bring them together, it would have to happen somewhat naturally, like they were just victims of circumstance as Janus himself was completing his goals.</p><p>Hopefully, by preventing Logan from self-harming, maybe he could convince Virgil to stop too. After all, the only reason he wasn’t criticising Virgil for his habits was because Logan felt like a hypocrite for having feelings. Maybe a healthy relationship between Logan and Patton could change that.</p><p>Though there was a lot to be done, Janus found himself relieved. If he could take care of this quickly, it could improve Thomas’ mental health. Patton’s responses to a lot of Thomas’ decisions had damaged his mental health and Janus was tired of seeing Thomas beat himself up into becoming a better person. </p><p><em>Maybe, just this once, I can help Thomas become a better person</em>, he thought, and continued working.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Spoiler alert: Not everything goes exactly to plan.</p><p>It was about time for me to write in some sort of confrontation, although this is sort of like half of it. Virgil hasn't been conscious enough for the rest. But I assure you, it's coming.</p><p>Let me know what you think and how I can improve. There's always room to grow as a writer. &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Untrustworthy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Virgil and Logan have a long-overdue discussion that offers surprising insight. Janus sets his brilliant (?) plan in motion. Though everything is going well initially, Janus hadn't accounted for one very stubborn Side, and it may make things harder than they need to be.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Jesus Christ I'm so done with this chapter. It took me an entire weekend and it isn't even that good. Writer's block is a bitch.</p><p>However, this chapter is sort of a part 1/3. It needs more length to properly convey the twists and turns and consequences of Janus' schemes. This chapter was hard to write because my first instinct was just to unceremoniously throw all the suspense out the window. (Figuratively, of course.)</p><p>Anyway, TW: Self harm discussion, yelling (lots), insults, and Remus sayin some weird shit</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>His planning finished, Janus swept back into the dark commons. Roughly four hours had passed since he had returned from his little “walk”. Remus was just where he left him, but both of his arms were broken.</p><p>“Heya, Janny!” he yelled with a wild grin. “I broke my collarbones clean in half, wanna see?”</p><p>“Perhaps another time.” Janus mended his bones with a wave, ignoring Remus’ whine of protest. “Would you like to help me out with something? A prank on the light sides, by chance?”</p><p>“Sounds like a blast! So, whatcha wanna do?” Remus singsonged. “Broken spines, ruptured spleens~?”</p><p>“Not exactly. Besides, you know you can’t actually hurt them physically.” Another whine was solicited from Remus. Janus smirked. “I have something that would embarrass them and cause just the right amount of havoc.”</p><p>“What kind of embarrassment? Kink-shaming?”</p><p>“Less sexual, more romantic.”</p><p>His smile disappeared. “Finnnnnnnne. So, who and when?”</p><p>Janus leaned close and whispered the plan.</p><p>__________</p><p>Virgil was in his room. He didn’t remember how he got there.</p><p>He vaguely remembered seeing Logan at some point. It all existed in a bloody haze, and he remembered the blur of his blade, his blood going down the drain. He remembered the slight pull of the needle in his arm, and something that felt like gauze bandages. All of this he couldn’t be sure of, though. It all felt like a dream.</p><p>He tried to get out of his bed and realised he was still in his boxers and T-shirt, but he was dry and his arm was bandaged. <em>Huh. Must not have been a dream.</em></p><p>Virgil sat up more carefully, then, and craned his neck to look around. His room was exactly as he left it, save for Logan who was asleep by his bedside, glasses askew.</p><p>Although spots were dancing in front of his eyes and it took him a few tries, he finally managed to sit up and tug the glasses off of his face. He folded them carefully and set them on the table.</p><p>Logan must have been a light sleeper- even the subtle movement of the glasses made him stir, and he blinked blearily. “Are you awake?” Virgil hummed in affirmation.</p><p>He felt around for his glasses and placed them gingerly on his nose, rising to his feet. “I will be back momentarily with a glass of water.”</p><p>Virgil’s stomach began to turn. It felt like Logan was just gearing up for the inevitable confrontation. Nausea was rising in the back of his throat and his lungs were constricting. <em>God, not again.</em> It was so like him to have a panic attack right after waking up.</p><p>He forced himself to take deep breaths. It would be easier to convince Logan to keep quiet if he was calm.</p><p>Logan returned with two glasses of water, one of which Virgil took gratefully. They sat in silence for a moment.</p><p>“So, how long have you been self harming?”</p><p>“…as long as I can remember,” Virgil mumbled reluctantly.</p><p>“Since before you became a light side?”</p><p>“Yeah.” He paused and forced himself to meet Logan’s eyes. He didn’t see any emotion in them. “Are you going to tell the others?”</p><p>“No, I’m not.” Virgil breathed an audible side of relief. “But you should.”</p><p>“Are you kidding?” He chuckled darkly. “It would kill Patton to think that he failed as a father or something. Besides, why do you care so much?”</p><p>“Self-harm is an unhealthy coping mechanism and you could have faded if you remained the way you were. You risk inflicting harm on Thomas if you continue to rely on it. Why you did it, I don’t know, but you deserve better and self-harm negatively impacts your brain. I didn’t say you had to tell Patton in particular, but perhaps it would help you to talk about it. I hear Emilie Picani is a good candidate. I am open as well if you need me,” he added hastily, which surprised Virgil. He hadn’t pictured Logan to be the therapist type.</p><p>“Who’s Emilie Picani? What’s he like?” he asked for Logan’s benefit.</p><p>“A friend of mine from long ago. Perhaps the best way to describe him is as a combination of Patton and I: feelings worked through by logic, with a lot more cartoons thrown in.”</p><p>“I’ll think about it.”</p><p>“Good.”</p><p>Just as Logan was turning to leave, a spike of fear struck Virgil suddenly. He didn’t want to be alone, not here in his room, with the anxious thoughts and the pain in his wrists and legs. He wanted Logan there with him for his bracing clarity. He reached out and grabbed his wrist.</p><p>Logan cried out, then clapped a hand over his mouth. Virgil stopped in shock- he had never heard Logan make a noise like that. He heaved himself onto his feet, steadying himself on the bed, and then walked as quickly as he could between Logan and the door. (Not that it would stop Logan if he truly wanted to leave, he could just sink out. But it was the thought that counted.)</p><p>“What happened to your arm?” he asked, low and deadly quiet.</p><p>Logan tensed. “Nothing of importance.”</p><p>“Can you show me?” <em>Be comforting, speak calmly,</em> he told himself, fighting to make himself sound trustworthy.</p><p>A moment of silence, then Logan dropped his shoulders and rolled up his sleeves. Virgil stared, comprehension dawning like a sunrise.</p><p>“So that’s the real reason you didn’t tell anybody.”</p><p>Logan looked away. “It’s not my job to tell you how to live your life. I merely made suggestions.”</p><p>“But you’re hurting, too!”</p><p>“No, I’m not. That’s why it’s different for me. This allows me to improve my functioning, while it hinders yours. Besides,” he said with venom, “you don’t have the right either.”</p><p>Virgil fumed. “No, I don’t. But you can’t exactly tell me to go see a therapist when your arm looks like Taserface from Guardians of the Galaxy.”</p><p>Logan rolled his sleeves back down with a quiet sort of snarl and jerked away from him. His flat anger was all the more frightening when he had such leverage over Virgil. Logan knowing his secret was blackmail, whether he planned to use it to his advantage or not. But he knew Logan’s secret, too.</p><p>“Why do you do it?” Virgil asked. </p><p>“I don’t want to feel anything. I can’t have feelings, I’m logic, cold and calculating. It helps. I could ask you the same question.”</p><p>“I don’t want to make Thomas suffer.”</p><p>“Two different reasons, same result,” he mused. He adjusted his tie and moved Virgil back into bed, having apparently forgiven him for his Marvel quip. </p><p>Shouting in the hall interrupted them.</p><p>__________</p><p><br/>“You don’t deserve to be Thomas’ creativity!” Janus yelled.</p><p>“At least I’m not some snake from hell, borne from sin to lead Thomas astray!” Roman yelled right back. “Hope you don’t get your scales scratched off on the rocks when you slither back into the cave you crawled out of!”</p><p>“All you do is make Thomas feel horrible for not being productive enough with the shitty ideas you dream up! There’s no way in hell Thomas can execute every single dream of yours, and you make him resent himself for it! Even if I am from hell, at least I’m not <em>that</em> manipulative and selfish!” Janus argued. </p><p><em>All things considered, the plan was going quite well,</em> Janus thought. <em>Roman had risen to the bait almost immediately. It was only a matter of time before-</em></p><p>Patton ran in, looking furious. “You take that back right now, mister!”</p><p>
  <em>Good. But it has to be convincing to get Logan to join in. I have to make a low blow.</em>
</p><p>“I will not take back a word! It’s <em>totally</em> not Roman’s fault Thomas was so upset about the wedding because he forced him to miss the callback,” Janus insisted. His smooth, honeyed tone made the sarcasm all the more apparent.</p><p>This was a calculated move: It subtly reminded Roman that he was deceit, the lord of the lies, and made him the villain. Roman needed to feel like he was the righteous prince when he was defending Thomas. Janus could almost see the indignant fire rise in his eyes. (He felt bad for insulting him this way, but he told himself he would reveal the entirety of the plan to Roman later.)</p><p>“You stupid snake face-“</p><p>Logan flung open the door from inside Virgil’s room. <em>Good, Logan had joined in.</em> “What is this about?”</p><p>Patton cried, “Deceit is insulting Roman! Without a reason!”</p><p>“I do have a reason,” Janus hissed. “Roman is harming Thomas, and is therefore not necessary.” This was sure to set Logan off, who was sensitive to the idea that he wasn’t needed. Remus was waiting overhead under his cloak.</p><p>Logan strode over to stand by Patton. “Falsehood! Thomas’ career would not exist without the talent Roman provides!”</p><p>“Creativity can only get you so far,” he shot back. “You’re more important than he is.”</p><p>Patton had heard enough. “None of us are less important than anyone else! We all matter and contribute valid things to Thomas!”</p><p>Janus moved slowly, shifting infinitesimally, trying to slowly coerce Roman into moving away from Logan and Patton. To his surprise, Roman did, and Janus hid his smirk behind a mask of anger and arrogance.</p><p>“See?” Roman said. “Everyone matters to Thomas- all of the <em>light</em> sides, that is! Thomas could do without you!”</p><p>Janus scoffed. “I’m his self preservation. He needs me a great deal.” He was almost there, flickering his eyes from Roman to Patton and Logan. It would only be a couple of feet before he had them exactly where he needed them. He silently willed a supply closet into existence, a lock on the outside of the door, and a key in his pocket. Everyone was too busy glaring at him to notice. <em>Yes!</em></p><p>Roman shifted just a bit, and everything was in place.</p><p>“Now, Remus!” Janus yelled.</p><p>Remus came swinging in like Tarzan, his cloak falling off him as he went, and he practically drop kicked Logan and Patton into the supply closet, shutting and locking the door behind them. The lock melted into the surface of the door. Roman rushed over, pounding uselessly. He whipped around to stare at Janus, furious. “What the hell did you do to them?!” </p><p>“I’m trying to get them together!” Janus laughed, elated at his success. “I’m sorry for saying all those things to you, Roman, but I needed the two of them to come defend you so I could get them marooned in a broom closet and just have them think it was a cruel thing I did. In the end, a relationship between them would help Thomas, I really think so. I don’t have any problem with you, Roman, and you are important to Thomas. I hope you know that.”</p><p>Though his words were kind, Roman looked even more upset than before. “Oh, really,” he scoffed, “I’m sure that’s what it is. Right. Not that you want them out of this discussion so you can continue to insult me. Real smooth, slimy boi. I’m sure that since you think I’m dumb you think I’ll swallow your little excuses. I’m not blind, Deceit. I know what you are. You think it’ll be a fantastic trick to lock both of them in there for hours and have them come out hours later, embarrassed and hurt. And you think I’ll support you just because you say it’s for Thomas? You fucking manipulative sadist.”</p><p>Janus looked to Remus, but he just shrugged. “As much as I love picking fights with my brother, he does have a point. A good amount of sadism is involved here.”</p><p>“But that’s not the end result!” Janus protested. He was desperately giving Remus a meaningful look, trying to garner his support. The whole point of the plan was just to get Logan and Patton together- not to hurt Roman. He just had to fight with Roman loudly enough that Patton and Logan would come running. He didn't understand why Roman refused to see that.</p><p>Remus giggled maniacally. “Well, the sadism is why I’m here!”</p><p>Roman watched this exchange with an indescribable fury. “I knew it,” he said quietly. “Nobody can trust a snake.”</p><p>He sank out.</p><p>Janus kept staring at the spot Roman had just departed from. “You know that wasn’t supposed to happen right? He was supposed to realise that we were just trying to help Logan get with Patton. Roman was supposed to forgive me.”</p><p>Remus shrugged again. “Roman’s always been so insecure.”</p><p>Janus didn’t turn around as Remus sank away as well.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Kinda glad this chapter is over and done with. Hopefully my next few chapters will be better than this. Thanks for sticking around anyway.</p><p>Comments make author chan go brrrrrr</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. The beauties and the beast</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Logan and Patton are trapped in a closet, and they find they have a lot in common. Virgil finds a devastated Roman and goes to confront the culprit, but says things he knows he'll regret.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Here's some logicality fluff, because fuck it, I need angst fuel for when this inevitably comes crashing down.</p><p>Sorry for not posting. I've been stuck at home and feeling like shit. My motivation just fuckin... flew out the window. Maybe I'll remember to keep the window shut next time.</p><p>TW: kissing, yelling, crying, swearing, self harm implications. You're in for a wild ride. I also hid a few puns, just for giggles.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Logan huffed as he tried (and failed) to maintain his dignity as he shifted around in the closet. He wasn’t sure if it was a closet, exactly- more like a random, small room- but it had the feeling of one, with the dim lighting and low square footage. The irony was not lost on him. It felt like Deceit was mocking him outright.</p><p>Deceit. What a bastard. Logan had three possible theories on why he had enlisted Remus in his plot to trap him and Patton in the closet:</p><p>1. Just for fun. To poke fun at Logan specifically, and for the hilarity of seeing the two of them embarrassed beyond words.<br/>2. To remove them from the argument so Deceit could continue insulting Roman.<br/>3. To try and get Logan and Patton together.</p><p>Logan personally hated the implementation of his agenda, regardless of the reasoning, but he supposed that was the point. It wasn’t that he disliked being so close to Patton, Patton was understanding about the whole thing and he smelled wonderful (like cookies and clean linen). But the sheer indignity of being deprived of the choice and freedom of movement associated with spending time with Patton was insulting.</p><p>“It’s okay if we bump into each other a bit,” Patton whispered. “It’s not like either of us have any real room.”</p><p>“I apologise. I know I’m in your personal space.”</p><p>Patton laughed quietly. “And I’m in yours. Bet you feel like an astronaut.”</p><p>Logan must have looked confused. “What do you mean?”</p><p>“Personal <em>space</em>? Get it?”</p><p><br/>He groaned, but hid his face in his hands to conceal a smile. The warm line of contact from their calves to their knees was distracting him, and he was struggling to hold up his mature persona.</p><p>Patton sighed. “I don’t know how much longer we’ll be stuck in here, but we might as well get comfortable.” The shadows on his face made him look tired again. Logan hated that look, the look of someone who has been trying far too hard for far too long. He saw it nearly every day in the mirror. Patton’s kind face, however, made it look almost pretty, like he was about to surprise you with something beautiful he had spent a lot of time on. </p><p>Logan wasn’t thinking straight. <em>No shit</em>, he thought to himself, and almost chuckled.</p><p>He felt Patton curl up and turn around so they were shoulder to shoulder. Now they were touching from their shoulders to their knees, and Logan was afraid to turn to face him, because he knew they would be nose to nose. (Lips inches apart.)</p><p>“…I’m glad it was you,” Patton admitted quietly.</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Virgil would be freaking out right now, I bet he gets claustrophobic. Roman would be angry at Deceit, and would probably yell about it a lot. You and I don’t have to talk so much to get each other, you know?”</p><p>The candid response startled Logan. He was almost as surprised to hear him talk about the other Sides (his “kiddos”) in a way that could be seen as critical, as he was that he said they didn’t have to talk to communicate effectively.</p><p>“How does one transmit information without speaking and without the use of technology?”</p><p>Patton laughed again. “It’s not about not talking, we just don’t have to talk as much. More stuff in fewer words. Plus your body language shows more than you let on.”</p><p>Logan nodded and hoped he felt the subtle movement through their contact.</p><p>“I don’t just mean in here, either. You have something about you that’s so wonderful, different from the others. Even when you’re serious or frustrated or overworked, you still keep it together. I’m still learning how.” His voice held a tinge of sadness. He was talking about his bout of negative feelings.</p><p>Logan figured he would take the opportunity. “Patton, are you doing alright?”</p><p>Patton shifted again. Uncomfortably, Logan thought. “I went through a rough patch. But I’m better now.”</p><p>“What sort of ‘rough patch’, as you put it?”</p><p>“Well, I guess the feelings still left over from Thomas and his ex were hard to deal with, because I was afraid to admit to still struggling with it.”</p><p>“Because of me.”</p><p>Patton immediately knew what he meant. “It wasn’t your fault! I mean, I was just embarrassed in general. Although it did sort of make it worse when you were mad…”</p><p>“Patton, I am so, so sorry.”</p><p>The fervent apology made him whip his head up. “It really isn’t your fault! You were just frustrated.”</p><p>“I hurt you because of my inability to understand emotion adequately. Although I have recently been attempting to improve my proficiency in that area, my past actions were unacceptable. I deserve to be cancelled.”</p><p>Patton looked sad but managed a smile. “That was a vocab word, wasn’t it?”</p><p>“…maybe.”</p><p>“Well, friendo, you don’t have to worry about it anymore. I totally get why you were upset, and you’ve changed besides.”</p><p>“Your acceptance is much appreciated.”</p><p>They sat in silence for a bit longer, just enjoying the warmth (though Logan would never admit it).</p><p>“Hey, Logan?”</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“Why do you think Deceit put us in here?”</p><p>Logan huffed like he had earlier and recited his first two theories, leaving out the last. Patton looked skeptical.</p><p>“That might be true,” he said gingerly, “but I think there might be a different reason.”</p><p>“Do you have a different theory?”</p><p>“Well, I was just thinking, if he wanted to get us out of the conversation, he probably wouldn’t have made the room this small, dontcha think? And if he wanted to embarrass us, why would he choose this? Why not something different? I’m sure Remus would have thought of something much worse.”</p><p>“What are you insinuating?”</p><p>“I think I need to apologise to you. I think I caused Deceit to choose this specifically.”</p><p>“Patton, you aren’t making any sense.” Logan moved to turn his face towards Patton’s, but stopped himself.</p><p>“I think the reason Deceit chose to trap you in here with me is because he believes I have feelings for you.” Patton winced.</p><p>Logan recoiled. He wasn’t sure how to approach this subject. Trying to sidestep the conversation was too obvious. His mind was churning and providing all sorts of possible scenarios, and from the ones he was managing to process, it was likely that this was going to end badly.</p><p>“Was he wrong?”</p><p>“Not necessarily.”</p><p>Now that’s an answer Logan never thought he’d hear.</p><p>“You know what I’m saying, right?” Patton mumbled, concerned at Logan’s lack of response.</p><p>“Perfectly.”</p><p>Suddenly the warmth of their contact felt different: more romantic, and the intensity of it struck Logan anew. </p><p>“I think I am to blame as well,” Logan said.</p><p>“How?”</p><p><br/>“I am not what one might call, ah, emotionally intelligent, and as a result I struggle to ‘take a hint’. Additionally, I struggle with maintaining the outward social demeanours that are fitting of someone who is…” He was scrambling to find the words. “I struggle with preventing unwanted attention, to…”</p><p>Patton saw his struggling and put his hand over Logan’s. (Logan thought he might combust.) (<em>Is that possible? I’ll research later.</em>) “I get what you mean.”</p><p>He saw the glimmer of hope in Logan’s eyes. “You do?”</p><p>“You struggle to hide your feelings.”</p><p>The bluntness of it, the <em>rightness</em> of it, struck Logan right in the chest and took him off guard. “Y-yeah. Exactly.”</p><p>Patton paused for a moment to gather his scattered thoughts. He seemed to give up, though, and they sat for a moment again.</p><p>“Can I ask you a favour, Logan?”</p><p>“Certainly.”</p><p>“Can I lean on you?”</p><p>Logan suddenly, unexplainably, found himself blurting-</p><p>“I don’t know, can you?”</p><p>Patton threw his head back and laughed, and the sound echoed around the small room and filled it to the brim. He put a hand over his mouth to stifle the sounds. “Wow, Logan, that was a classic Teacher joke!”</p><p>“I-I’m sorry, Patton, I don’t know where that came from. You may certainly do whatever you’d like to for your comfort, and I am not opposed to, ah, cuddling with you.”</p><p>Patton’s loud laughs turned into a soft smile. He snuggled up to Logan like a bunny, closing what little distance was between them. His cheek was placed gently on the expensive fabric of Logan’s collared shirt. Patton tucked his own arms into his sides and moved under Logan’s arm, practically diving into the comfort of Logan’s body heat.</p><p>A few minutes passed by, filled with nothing but the sounds of their breathing. Logan was growing more comfortable, sleepy even, and moved his hand up and down Patton’s shoulder unconsciously. Patton’s warm breath changed directions as he adjusted minutely. He was becoming more pliant, just as Logan was.</p><p>Logan let his head fall on Patton’s. Patton shifted again, tilting his face towards Logan’s. Feeling the change, Logan lifted his head back up, but made a mistake: he turned his head. Their noses brushed in the small space.</p><p>For a second, neither dared to move. Logan debated with himself quick as lightning, gathering his courage as quickly as he could. He asked, whisper-quiet, breath-like: “Can I kiss you?”</p><p>Patton nodded.</p><p>That was all it took for Logan to scrap his remaining shreds of the sophisticated façade. He leaned his mouth down towards Patton and gently glided his lips over his, breathlessly and soundlessly asking him what he wanted. Patton responded to his unspoken questions, sliding his hands into the hair at the back of his head. They kissed once, twice. Logan moved his hands like he couldn’t decide where he wanted them: from his waist, to his cheeks, to his neck, and back to his waist. </p><p>Patton stopped for a moment to breathe, leaning his forehead on Logan’s and intertwining their fingers. “It’s been so long,” he said, “since I realised I had feelings for you. I thought this would never happen, I had given up hope so long ago-“</p><p>Logan captured him in another quick kiss. “Samesies.”</p><p>“Another vocab word?”</p><p>“Absolutely.”</p><p>They both smiled, and Logan shoved away the tinge of guilt. Although it wasn’t what he had planned, this could be a new beginning.</p><p>__________</p><p>Virgil stalked angrily through the hallways with one thought in his mind: <em>Deceit was going to pay.</em></p><p>The voices angrily shouting outside his door had long since ceased, and he had covered his wounds and made himself presentable in the three hours since then. He had done his signature eyeshadow and gone to make himself a snack in the kitchen. The quiet whimpers from the living room had distracted him, and for good reason. The look on Roman’s face as he sobbed on the couch in the commons was burned into Virgil’s memory. </p><p>Because of the emotional turmoil Roman was obviously undergoing, he couldn’t seem to get much out other than broken stutters and heaving gasps. Virgil had tried to make himself as comforting as possible.</p><p>“Roman, what happened?”</p><p>“Deceit-he-“</p><p>“What did Deceit do? Are you alright?”</p><p>“Said- I don’t- I’m not needed…”</p><p>“It’s okay, you don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. Breathe with me?”</p><p>Roman couldn’t get through the first, but managed a full breath when he tried again. He had still stuttered but made more sense.</p><p>“He told me I w-wasn’t- that I didn’t deserve to be creativity. He said I was manipulative and selfish… he said it- he said I hurt Thomas by choosing the wedding.”</p><p>“Roman, it doesn’t matter if the decision turned out to be right or not, what matters is that you tried to do your best for Thomas. C’mere.”</p><p>He had tried to hold Roman, but his first attempt went so terribly awkwardly that he resigned himself to just patting Roman’s head. Roman’s tears were subsiding, and he was clearly exhausted. </p><p>Virgil had taken a risk: he started singing softly. “Cause I, I’m in love with my future, can’t wait to meet her…”</p><p>“I’m in love… but not with anybody else, just wanna get to know myself.” Roman tried weakly to sing along, but Virgil started playing with his hair, and he trailed off. Virgil hummed softly through the instrumental break.</p><p>Roman fell asleep in seconds.</p><p>Virgil had conjured a blanket (with an MCR album cover on it, so what?) and tucked him onto the couch with all the care he could muster. As soon as Roman started snoring softly, Virgil had sank into his room, Roman’s sobbing face still imprinted in his mind’s eye.</p><p>Which brought him to now. The insults Roman said Deceit had carelessly thrown at him hit him close to the heart, and his heart (what he called one, anyway) ached at Roman’s pain. Virgil was a bit too knowledgeable about how it felt to think you were unnecessary. </p><p>Virgil’s anger at Deceit multiplied tenfold when he thought about how much Deceit had assured him, time and time again, that he was a necessary part of Thomas. Usually those days had come after a video where he had been mocked or insulted, just as Deceit had done to Roman. The hypocrisy stung Virgil like a hot poker.</p><p>He flung open the chipped yellow door to Deceit’s room. “What the <em>fuck</em>!“</p><p>“Virgil, I know it looks bad, but I promise I had a plan-“</p><p>“What plan? Did you plan to leave Roman devastated? You absolute dumbfuck. You fucking hypocrite. What right do you have to tell anyone they aren’t needed?”</p><p>“Look, I said I was sorry-“</p><p>“Sorry won’t FUCKING cut it! You left him crying and broken! This is why-“</p><p>“<em>Please</em>, just let me explain!”</p><p>Virgil bit back his protective rage and crossed his arms. He glared. “Well?”</p><p>“I was <em>trying</em> to get Logan and Patton together, but in order to do that I had to start a fight with Roman so that Logan and Patton would come running! I know I shouldn’t have said those things-“</p><p>“Then why did you say them?!”</p><p>“-but I did anyway because I needed the others to hear him yelling and join in to support him!”</p><p>Virgil scoffed. “You thought this made any of it okay?! It fucking disgusts me that you’re using them like pawns!”</p><p>“I know it’s morally questionable, but I’m trying to hel-“</p><p>“NO. You don’t fucking help.”</p><p>“What?” The finality of the statement brought Deceit up short.</p><p>“You heard me. You don’t get to help. You aren’t a light side. And this is why.”</p><p>“What the hell does that mean?”</p><p>“How are you supposed to say you’re ‘helping’ anyone when you just keep hurting people? You hurt Patton and Logan irreparably in the courtroom. You hurt me by abandoning me when I needed you most.”</p><p>“I thought we ssssaid our feud was in the past,” Deceit hissed. “You punished me for what I did by joining the light sides.”</p><p>“It’s still proof. Proof that your so-called ‘help’ is worthless. That’s the excuse you gave back then, isn’t it?”</p><p>Deceit stared at him, wordlessly begging him to take it back. “I told you, I changed. I changed because I knew I hurt you.”</p><p>Virgil knew he shouldn’t, but he lashed out cowardly anyway: “This is proof you didn’t, you fucking <em>freak</em>.”</p><p>Deceit gaped. Virgil could see the recognition in his eyes. “You fucking freak” was exactly what Virgil had said to him when he had completely left the Dark Sides. It hit him right in the soft point of his heart, right at the centre of his emotions. Deceit felt pain in his chest, physical pain, and he was left reeling, hurt beyond words and beyond action. Virgil watched his expression change from stunned to devastated to hardened. “Get out.”</p><p>Virgil saw what he had done, and futilely tried to take it back: “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-“</p><p>“GET OUT!”</p><p>He took the hint and ran.</p><p>__________</p><p>Janus shut the door and sat on his bed.</p><p>He was still breaking, his heart was breaking. He couldn’t think. </p><p>His emotions were swirling. He was disgusted that Virgil would stoop that low. He was angry at how determined Virgil was to hurt him. He was-</p><p>Remorseful. Because he knew he deserved it.</p><p>His mind had whispered to him countless times that he deserved to hurt. For the last few months, he had managed to tune it out, but this broke past his defences, past the guards he had put around his heart and the act he had put on, the role he had been playing. Tears dripped onto his gloves and his dark pants. He hadn’t even realised he was crying.</p><p>He felt like he had the day after Virgil left: unmoored. Like a ship that would sink if it drifted any further. But he knew this time he might not resurface. Remus would surely blame him for what he did, and the first time, Remus was the only remaining anchor. This time he wouldn’t have anything. He knew he wasn’t strong enough to hold on.</p><p>And so his control slipped. He found himself in the bathroom, set up with a dark towel and antiseptic ointments around him, just the way he had arranged it when he had self-harmed. He sat up weakly.</p><p>“No…” he said to himself, out loud. “I can’t. I can’t.”</p><p>He looked in the mirror, at his tear stained reflection and his wide eyes, mismatched. His discolouration on his cheek and the dark, curved line that snaked its way down to his lips. His nose with its flaring nostril and the pink circle around his eye.</p><p>Virgil was right, he was a freak. </p><p><em>And,</em> he thought as he took the blades out of his bag, <em>freaks get punished.</em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Wooo snake boi has some issues. At least his plan worked. (Or did it?)</p><p>Tell me what you think! Please! If you don't mind! Thank you!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Who's really the villain?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Virgil talks to Logan, which makes him realize that Deceit was trying to do the right thing all along. He and Roman go to apologize to him, but find him in a less-than-good state...</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><br/>Virgil ran as fast as he could to his room. The conversation (if you could even call it that, more like a confrontation) was replaying in his mind on repeat. He was drowning in his own guilt and remorse, and his head was screaming at him.</p><p>He ran smack into Logan’s chest. </p><p>Logan untwined his hands from Patton’s and put his hands on Virgil’s shoulders to steady him, peering down through his glasses. “Virgil? Are you doing alright?”</p><p>Virgil couldn’t answer. His tongue wasn’t working and he just looked up at Logan. He was breathing hard, eyes wild, and tried to wrench himself from Logan’s grasp. Logan held fast.</p><p>Logan lifted his chin up, making their eyes meet. His face was stern like a father's. “Did something happen?” Virgil nodded yes. “Can you speak?” He shook his head.</p><p>“Come on, then.” Logan whispered something to Patton, who nodded. He began to lead Virgil not to his room, since it was sure to enhance his anxiety, but to Logan’s. </p><p>Logan’s room had navy blue walls that boasted a golden star pattern. It made the room less formal, somehow, and more personable- a reminder that Logan was more than Logic. In one corner was a couch built into a windowsill, and the window showed a view of a galaxy. The adjacent wall, facing the door, was made up completely of bookshelves that lightened the room with birch tones. Succulents adorned the shelves that didn’t hold any books. The next wall held his desk: it was built into the bookshelves and had an impressive filing system. The books were organised seemingly by alphabetical order of the author, for the fiction books. The nonfiction books all had a Dewey decimal label on them.</p><p>The bed was built into the wall as well, with a simple white bedspread and blue pillow.</p><p>Logan noticed Virgil’s stare. “Oh, right, I forgot you hadn’t come in here yet. Here, sit down, take deep breaths. Please attempt to calm yourself so you may explain what happened.”</p><p>After a few minutes, Virgil felt himself relax. He took a deep breath.</p><p>“S-sorry.”</p><p>“You’re alright, keep going. What happened?”</p><p>“Deceit hurt Roman’s feelings really badly during the argument, so I yelled at Deceit and said stuff I shouldn’t have.”</p><p>“Such as?”</p><p>“I said the same thing I said to him when I left the dark Sides…”</p><p>“Because you knew it would hurt him.”</p><p>“Yeah…” Virgil muttered.</p><p>“Well, that isn’t ideal. Where is Deceit now?”</p><p>“His room, I guess.” Virgil moved his gaze across the room, avoiding Logan’s stare. His eyes fell on a silver object that was laying on Logan’s desk.</p><p>He got up and moved towards it. It was a lighter. He held it up and showed it to Logan. “Why do you still have this?”</p><p>Logan sighed. “I was planning on getting rid of it.”</p><p>That wasn’t what Virgil was expecting. “Why?”</p><p>Logan was choosing his words carefully. “I’m trying… to accept that feelings are… a part of me. Even though I might not want them, maybe it could be good for me to have them… and I don’t want Patton to worry about me. So I’m not going to punish myself for having feelings. I’ll do an experiment where I let myself have feelings for Patton, and I’ll see if that improves my productivity. It’s a fair evaluation to say that spending time engaging in self harm was not helping Thomas or improving my productivity, so I’ll try a different approach.” He hesitated, then added: “For Patton.”</p><p>"So you two are together now?"</p><p>Logan chuckled. "Yeah. I guess Deceit succeeded. Patton's my boyfriend." He was glowing with pride.</p><p>Something clicked in Virgil’s head. The sincerity when Deceit had said he was trying to help. The admission that he was trying to get Logan and Patton together, even though Virgil didn’t ask. The way he had said it as if it explained that he was trying to do something good.</p><p>Because he <em>was</em>. Deceit had understood that it would help Thomas if Logan realised feelings were good, and the only way to do that was to make him accept his feelings for someone else.</p><p>It was all clear now. Deceit’s plan, though not the best, was still to help Thomas.</p><p>And now Deceit was suffering because Virgil had been too close minded to see that he was really and truly trying to help.</p><p>“You really think so?” Logan asked. Virgil hadn’t realised he was speaking aloud.</p><p>He put his face in his hands and groaned. “I’ve been such an idiot.”</p><p>A warm hand was placed on each shoulder. “Everyone makes mistakes.” Logan was smiling at him in a soft way. <em>Dang, what happened to Robot Logan?</em></p><p>“Uh, thanks, Logan. I kinda… pulled the wool over my own eyes,” he said sheepishly.</p><p>“Don’t beat yourself up over it,” a voice said at the door. Patton was leaning against the light wood of the doorframe.</p><p>“Patton,” Logan exclaimed. “How long have you been standing there?”</p><p>“Like, fifteen seconds?” Patton giggled. “Why, Logie-bear?”</p><p>“Nothing…”</p><p>Virgil scoffed. “You guys are sickeningly sweet. Later, lovebirds.” He sank away.</p><p> </p><p>He slammed his shoulder into the door and burst into Roman’s room. “Roman, we fucked up!”</p><p>“What? Why?!”</p><p>“It turns out Deceit was actually trying to help after all!”</p><p>Roman’s face turned into a mask of incredulity. “Really? Come on, Charlie Frown, don’t be gullible. He’s literally <em>Deceit</em>.”</p><p>“And you’re literally Creativity, but that wasn’t a creative response, now was it?”</p><p>“Wow, rude much? I-“</p><p>“Just shut up and listen for a second!” Virgil burst out angrily. Roman saw he was serious and shut his mouth.</p><p>“Deceit tried to get Logan and Patton together so Logan would understand that feelings were good and shit and Logan would stop beating himself up over having feelings and Thomas would be better for it! He actually didn’t want to insult you at all but he knew he had to make you upset so they would come to your rescue and I accidentally really hurt his feelings by saying the same thing I said right before I became a light side cause I was so pissed at him for hurting you-“</p><p>“<em>What?</em>“</p><p>“-and now he’s probably like crying in his room and shit and it’s my fault! Come on, we need to go apologise!” Virgil wasn’t about to give away Logan’s secret, but he was really hoping Roman would understand just how serious he was being.</p><p>“Wait, hold on. So he really wasn’t just trying to get them out of the way so he could yell at me?”</p><p>“No! He wanted to apologise! I just don’t think he got the chance.”</p><p>Roman scratched his neck with a guilty look. “Well, he did apologise, but…”</p><p>“But what?”</p><p>“I might not have believed him?”</p><p>“You insulted him too, didn’t you.”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“Jesus Christ, Roman…”</p><p>“What?! At least I didn’t purposely go after him like you did! You can’t blame me for being angry, you know what he told me.” <em>No wonder Deceit chose Roman to pick a fight with. Roman's so defensive and insecure. Damn.</em></p><p>Virgil facepalmed and shook his head. “Whatever. Come on, let’s go apologise.” Seeing Roman’s doubtful look, he said, “Yeah, Deceit screwed up too, but we both, like, massively screwed up. Swallow your pride, Princey, and come on.”</p><p>__________</p><p><br/>Deceit’s room was a wreck, Roman thought to himself. He wondered how Deceit even lived in it. </p><p>Massive amounts of crumpled papers were scattered across the floor, each one flecked with blue and red ink. It was reminding him a bit too much of the way Patton’s room had been, and he had to force the image of Patton’s tearful face out of his head again. It had been haunting him for a while.</p><p>Something beige and brown was crumpled in the corner, and Roman jolted away from it upon realising it was a snakeskin. </p><p>“Where is Deceit?” Virgil mumbled under his breath.</p><p>Roman looked out the window, and stepped a bit closer to get a better view. His foot struck something living.</p><p>He screamed like a little girl and fell backwards. “Holy <em>shit</em>.”</p><p>Deceit was lying on the floor facedown, halfway into the bathroom, with a dark towel under him and blood seeping from his thighs and various cuts down his legs. Bruises littered the expanse of his skin like the ink blots on the papers. He even had a cut across his cheekbone, like he had slashed at his face in a self-loathing frenzy.</p><p>Virgil rushed to lean down to him and looked up at Roman with pure, unadulterated fear in his eyes. “Help me flip him over,” he begged.</p><p>Roman gently (as he could) took him by the arms and rolled him face up. He shifted Deceit into a sitting position and pretended not to notice as his head lolled to the side.</p><p>Roman started hyperventilating. The look of the bruises and cuts were making him nauseous, and the metallic smell of blood in the air was even worse. He was panicking, because he knew how important Deceit was to Thomas- <em>If Thomas doesn’t have any self preservation, what will become of him?</em> He didn’t even feel Virgil pushing him out of the way until he landed on his back again, cold against the tiled floor.</p><p>Virgil was leaning over Deceit with a medical kit of some kind and went to work with a practiced hand, cleaning and bandaging the wounds like he had done it hundreds of times before. He even stitched up the deeper wounds and taped the gauze into place. He worked well- too well. Roman resigned himself to cleaning up the blood once he was calm enough to focus. “Where’s the hydrogen peroxide?”</p><p>“Over there.” Virgil nodded to the left.</p><p>Once Deceit and the space were properly cleaned up- Roman even imagined most of the mess away- Virgil and Roman sat back, exhausted, against the doorframe of the connecting wounds.</p><p>“Where did you learn how to do that?” Roman asked carefully.</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“You know what I mean.”</p><p>Roman could feel the tension in the air and the way they were stepping around each other in a delicate dance. He couldn’t interrogate Virgil too brashly or he would shut down the way he always did when they asked about his past. But maybe, just maybe, this shared experience would give way to more.</p><p>“Look, Roman, I don’t know what you’re asking.”</p><p>“I think you do.” He hesitated. “You know you can talk to me, right? I’m not the type to open my mouth and spew secrets. You know I haven’t done it before, and I wouldn’t betray your trust like that. I am a Prince after all.”</p><p>“You really mean that?”</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>Virgil groaned more fervently. “Ah, I’m really considering it…”</p><p>“It’s okay, take your time.” This final show of support seemed to convince him to open up.</p><p>“I know how to take care of wounds because…” he looked away. “I’ve had to patch up my own before. A lot.”</p><p>“Wounds from what?”</p><p>“Please don’t make me say it,” he muttered.</p><p>“…Self harm?” Roman whispered.</p><p>Virgil nodded wordlessly. Roman, on impulse, pulled him into an embrace. He expected sharp nails or insults, but Virgil seemed to accept it, even loosely draping his arms around Roman’s waist in return.</p><p>“How long?”</p><p>“Years.”</p><p>"So that one day you were limping, it wasn't because you tripped... right?"</p><p>"Yeah." Roman had thought so, but he wasn't about to rub it in Virgil's face.</p><p>Roman squeezed him a bit tighter for a moment, then leaned back and gently took his chin between his fingers, trying to convey reassurance. “You know that doesn’t make you less.” Virgil shook himself loose.</p><p>“Don’t spout that bullshit to me,” he griped.</p><p>“What bullshit?”</p><p>“Oh, you’re so strong, what a hero,” Virgil imitated in a mocking voice. “I’m just some guy with anxiety and shitty coping methods. I’m not a hero. I’m the villain.”</p><p>“Have you ever known me to lie?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Then why are you assuming I’m lying now?” Virgil didn’t answer, so Roman continued. “Exactly. That’s your anxiety talking. And besides…”</p><p> </p><p>“Everyone loves the villain.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I wrote Logan's room based off of mine. I have the plain white bedspread, navy walls, and birch bookshelves. The only difference is that my room has pink and gold accents, including the pillows and lamps and stuff.</p><p>So yeah... I feel like my ~dramatic confrontation scenes~ are repeating themselves. I had awful deja vu while writing this. Maybe I'll change things a bit later.</p><p>Thoughts? Comments/Kudos/constructive criticism are much appreciated!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Aftermath</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Logan shares a secret with Patton. Patton blames himself for Logan's suffering and has an incident. Janus wakes up to find that Roman and Virgil care more for him than he could have imagined.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Logan shut the door behind Virgil, watching his retreating back with a nervous gaze. Patton noticed and walked over, putting a gentle hand on his cheek. He leaned into it.</p><p>“Is everything alright?” Patton asked, uncertainty colouring his voice.</p><p>“In a sense, yes, but…”</p><p>‘It’s complicated,” Patton finished for him.</p><p>“Yes, you could say that.”</p><p>“Well, I’m here to talk if you need to. I know you’re worried about VIrgil.”</p><p>“That’s very kind of you, Patton, but I’m alright.” Guilt pricked Logan as Patton turned to leave, and he spoke before he thought better of it. “Well, actually, there is something.”</p><p>Patton turned back to him, appearing unsettled by the plaintive apprehension on his face. “Is something wrong? Did <em>I</em> do something?”</p><p>“No, no, that’s not it,” he hastened to reassure him. “Maybe you should sit down.” </p><p>They both sat, Logan on the bed, Patton in his desk chair. Logan opened his mouth but no sound came out. He couldn’t make the words come. It was supposed to be easy, just a few words: “I struggle with self harm.” He knew it was best to just tell Patton outright, it’s not like he could hide it from him forever, and Logan would prefer that Patton knew it from him directly, so he wasn’t surprised when he saw the discoloured skin of his arm. But he couldn’t do it, he couldn’t expose Patton to his ugliness, he couldn’t-</p><p>“Hey, Logan?” He looked up to see Patton giving him a soft look. He took his hand. “There isn’t much you could say to convince me to stop caring about you, okay? Whatever it is, take your time.”</p><p>“Patton, I apologise. I don’t know why I suddenly could not speak…”</p><p>“It’s hard sometimes, I get it. It took me forever to get to the point when we were trapped in the closet together.” He giggled. </p><p>Logan felt the corners of his lips twitch up into a smile, but it quickly faded. “Alright.” He took a deep breath. “I struggle with s-self harm.”</p><p>He closed his eyes briefly, unwilling to see sweet Patton’s reaction, but opened them again because he couldn’t bear the unknown. A devastated look was spreading over Patton’s features and Logan cringed, because he had caused it, he had caused Patton to hurt…</p><p>Patton gently took him into his arms, wrapping around his suddenly shaking frame. “Oh, Logan… why?”</p><p>“I hated having feelings.” Patton just twined his fingers in Logan’s hair. “Can I see them?”</p><p>He pulled away, out of Patton’s arms, and looked him in the eye. “Are you sure you want to see that?”</p><p>“I can take it.”</p><p>Logan rolled his sleeve up with trembling fingers, adrenaline pulsing through him and making him dizzy. He couldn’t look at Patton. </p><p>Cool fingers brushed along the scars. “How did you get these?”</p><p>“Burns.”</p><p>Patton pulled him close, expression carefully measured. “Where’s the lighter?”</p><p>“I destroyed it.”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“I wanted to stop doing it, for you.”  His voice was flat but suspiciously choked, and Patton took notice. Patton came to sit on the bed with him and squeezed him even tighter, carding his fingers through Logan’s hair. “I’m not mad at you, you know.”</p><p>Logan pulled back again to look at him. “You’re not?”</p><p>“No, I’m not. How could I be mad at you for that? You’re so strong…”</p><p>Logan hung his head in shame and mumbled something.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I’m not…”</p><p>“Logan, listen to me. I know what it’s like to think you aren’t worth anything. I know what it’s like to think that because of something about you, you aren’t worth anything. And for it to affect you so much that you wanted to hurt yourself, and you still found the bravery to get rid of it. And you still call yourself weak? I will physically fight you,” he whispered. “So just settle in and let me cuddle you.”</p><p>__________</p><p>Logan had fallen asleep quickly. <em>Too quickly,</em> Patton thought to himself, and he chewed his lip restlessly. It was clear Logan hadn’t slept in a while, and it was likely he struggled to take care of himself in other ways. Maybe Logan struggled with mental illness of some sort? <em>No, I shouldn’t make assumptions. It’s not my place.</em></p><p>Patton gently removed Logan’s glasses and pulled the covers up to his chin, tucking a wayward hand under the white comforter. He tiptoed to the door and shut the door with a quiet click.</p><p>He quickly descended the stairs that led to Logan’s room and scanned the common area for something to do, to make himself useful. The dishes weren’t done and even though Patton could easily imagine away the mess, he settled in to do them by hand. It was a repetitive and satisfying task, sure, but it didn’t take nearly enough of his attention to keep him from thinking. </p><p>Logan had been struggling with feelings all this time. By the look of the scars, it had been a while- several months at least. The skin around the scars, and even across the remainder of his arms, was dry and a bit cracked in places. All of this was suspicious to Patton. When the flower crown had transformed him and made him look nourished, it should have also improved his skincare. The only thing the effect didn’t seem to take away was qualities caused by self harm. Patton fretted.</p><p>Not to mention that Patton was supposed to be the feelings expert! He didn’t know if he had magical empathic abilities or whatever, but he should have been able to tell. Deceit could tell If someone was lying, so it was likely that Sides had their own abilities. It was true that Patton had found himself emotionally affected by the others- especially Roman. Whenever Roman was in a creative slump, Patton felt less cheerful, and had to work all the more to stay happy for his kiddos. But that could just be regular empathy.</p><p>If Patton did have some enhanced ability, that made it all the worse, didn’t it? He should have been able to tell how Logan was feeling. Even a person with a normal amount of empathy should have been able to tell how Logan was feeling. It wasn’t Roman’s or Virgil’s fault they hadn’t noticed, they had so many responsibilities besides dealing with another Side’s feelings. Patton was in charge of feelings. The blame was on him.</p><p>
  <em>I probably would have noticed if I wasn’t sulking around crying all the time.</em>
</p><p>He thought back to how Logan had noticed Patton’s negative feelings. That time in the closet… Logan had asked him, eyes serious and attentive, if he had been doing alright. And Logan’s job had precisely nothing to do with feelings! It was the opposite, Logan was supposed to counter feelings with facts. And even stupid Patton had been obvious enough about his hurt to draw Logan’s attention, while Logan suffered in silence. Unforgivable.</p><p>He turned on the sink, then, and filled half of it with hot water to kill the germs. He shoved his hands in without thinking and quickly yanked his hands back as it scalded his skin.</p><p><em>I’m too out of it, </em>Patton thought.<em> I can’t be in the kitchen right now.</em> Feeling disheartened, he slipped on his headphones and played Sad by Alexander 23. The gentle instrumentals made it easy for him to tune out most of the song so he could focus on cleaning. He  conjured a bucket and filled it with warm water, adding a few drops of Murphy oil wood soap for extra shine, and began to mop the floors. It was soothing. The smell of the soap was a familiar one to Thomas- it smelt orangeish-yellow, somehow.  </p><p>He let himself zone out, losing himself to the repetitive songs and repetitive motions. Patton took solace in each task he did. Soon he finished the floors and moved onto the kitchen counters, more carefully this time, and he cleaned the living room and the bathrooms. He took a break for water and looked around at the now-spotless commons. The clock was in the single digits, he could tell, but his eyes were too blurry to read it properly.</p><p>He walked up the stairs that led to his room, hand briefly tangling on his fairy lights. He shook his hand free in a distracted haze, placing his foot in another coil of fairy lights by accident. It snagged his ankle and he lost his balance. He felt himself slipping, tumbling, and he fell backwards with a muffled shriek, air whipping past his face. He felt a bright and sharp pain in the back of his head and then there was none.</p><p>__________</p><p>Janus opened his eyes and sat up. <em>Nope</em>. Black spots danced in front of his eyes and he laid back down with a groan.</p><p>It took him a few more tries, but he eventually managed to move into a sitting position and look around. Virgil and Roman were asleep leaning slightly into his bathroom, which was now cleaned and smelled heavily of bleach. His arm was bandaged. </p><p>There was a sharp irony in it all, one that he hated. Virgil was the catalyst to this little <em>incident</em>, but the one to patch him up and fall asleep in his bathroom. The last time Janus had bothered to check on Virgil, he had found him in a state similar to the look Janus was currently sporting. He knew he was in for it this time if Roman had seen, too. Roman would undoubtedly tell Patton and this whole thing would become a huge hassle.</p><p>The thought wasn’t a merry one. </p><p>A flicker of movement drew Janus’ eye. Virgil was stirring in his sleep, breathlessly mumbling. It wouldn’t be long before he woke up, he always did when he had a nightmare, and then he wouldn’t go back to sleep. It was unlikely that he would get more sleep after the next five minutes. Janus slid out of his bed, freezing as soon as he hit the cold air, pressing his arms close to his chest and trying not to let out a sob that was threatening to escape his throat.</p><p>He quickly conjured some clothes and imagined putting them on for lack of strength to do it himself. He placed a shaky hand on the doorknob- </p><p>The door was locked. He was trapped.</p><p>He stumbled back a few steps and into his bed. There wasn’t a way to avoid the confrontation that was sure to occur, and he dreaded the very thought of it. </p><p>A flash of purple, then there were warm hands carefully tucking him back into bed. “Shh, it’s okay,” Virgil whispered.</p><p>“I-“ Virgil shushed him again, pulling a blanket over him. “It isn’t worth it. You don’t have to talk yet.”</p><p>Janus nodded.</p><p>“You absolute dumbass.” Virgil whispered fiercely.</p><p>“Virgil-“</p><p>“No, really. You’re a dumbass. I don’t know if I want to hit you or hug you for being so goddamn stupid.”</p><p>He evidently chose the second, burying his face in Janus’ neck, quietly shedding tears Janus pretended he couldn’t feel. His arms rested on his bedside awkwardly.</p><p>“I didn’t mean anything I said- I was just angry, I swear. And then you went and hurt yourself for it, God, Janus, I’m so sorry. I said the absolute worst thing I could think of just to get at you, and it was so horrible, and oh God, Janus, when I saw you covered in blood, Ithoughtyou<em>died</em>andI'msosorry-<em>” </em>Virgil took several deep breaths and made himself keep talking with visible effort. "I'm so sorry I said any of those things. You are so important to Thomas-" he trailed off into a whisper. "I hurt you so <em>badly</em>."</p><p>Janus jumped a bit at being addressed by his proper name, but the shock faded into sheer disbelief. Virgil didn’t apologise to anyone. “‘Ts 'kay, deserved it,” Janus slurred.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“It’s okay, I deserved it,” he enunciated a bit more clearly.</p><p>Roman evidently heard Janus stumbling through the room and appeared at the bedside next to Virgil, who covertly moved over to give him some room. “I know you didn’t mean it,” Roman whispered. “I know that now. Everything you said to me was to help Logan. I get that now. But you didn’t deserve any of it, the words or the-“ he gestured vaguely at Janus’ legs. “You were just trying to help. It’s okay now.”</p><p>Janus burst into tears. </p><p>Roman and Virgil shared a quick look, then slid into the bed on either side of him, just holding him. Roman reached up a hand and asked breathlessly for permission, then started stroking his scales gently. Janus nuzzled into his hand. It didn’t take long for all of them to fall asleep.</p><p>When they woke, Virgil was holding onto Janus koala-style, Roman was snoring loudly, and Janus had the smallest of smiles on his face. It felt like a new day.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hopefully next chapter will come faster if I can finish my virtual school work. Programming's being a bitch right now.</p><p>This chapter was sponsored by the Logan playlist, because Algorhythm is a bop and so is Art Is Dead. Also sponsored by John Mulaney. No particular reason, he just makes me laugh. He and Thomas Sanders would make a great team, maybe? Throw Jon Cozart in there and maybe the world would explode.</p><p>Also shoutout to Nonbinary_dude_chillin, not just cause their work is amazing but also cause I feel like I made a friend! They're awesome. </p><p>So, any thoughts? How's your day going?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Calm before the Storm</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Patton has an accident, and it sparks a discussion about everything that's happened in the last few weeks. They brace themselves for the meeting they know they need to have.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm back with another chapter!! I promise I wasn't being lazy while I took a break, I wrote a couple of other things which I posted recently and I was getting my mental health back in order. It's not 100% yet, but we'll get there soon, and I'm much better than I was.</p><p>This is probably the second-to-last chapter. The story is wrapping up on its own, I'm just the vessel that's carrying it. That's what it feels like, anyway. (Also, tbh, I am NOT proud of this chapter. I lowkey hate the way it came out, but... whatever.)</p><p>TW: heavy angst and discussion of self harm, crying, medical talk, blood.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The room was dark and warm. It was the first time in a while Janus had slept without nightmares.</p><p>Janus gently extricated himself from the tangled legs of Roman and Virgil. The effect was immediate: Virgil felt around on the bed for the next-closest warm thing, Roman, and latched onto him instead. Janus smiled despite himself. The lights were off and the fan was whirring gently in the background. </p><p>The room had righted itself while he slept, feeling the change in his mind and responding accordingly. It was neat now, not Logan-level neatness, but enough that he wouldn’t live like a complete bum. And the first step to not being a bum was not looking like one, so he made himself get up and motivated to dress as he usually would- no, a bit more fancy, to improve his sense of self. His legs still hurt badly, sure, and blood had ruined his clothes again, but it was nothing he couldn’t manage. Worse had happened before. This was nothing new. Nothing he couldn’t handle. </p><p>He refused to allow himself even an inch of self-pity as he summoned his strength to snap himself into new, clean (non-bloody) clothes and he admired the cut of the suit in the mirror. He wondered if he could summon motivation like clothes, and tried for a second in vain. <em>A shame, that is.</em></p><p>A scream sounded from the steps, and he flinched violently, his brain freezing in panic.  But despite his initial reaction, he thought it didn’t sound like Remus, and the realisation was enough to get him up and moving, running as quickly as he dared towards the sound.</p><p>Logan was kneeling on the steps, cradling a bloody Patton by the shoulders, sobbing openly. “Deceit, please, do something! I think he fell!”</p><p>Janus swore colourfully under his breath and summoned the necessary items. How ironic. The injured patching up the healed. Logan, it seemed, was down for the count as far as usefulness.  He was frozen in place, staring at nothing, looking like someone had just run over his cat with a lawn mower. It was all frankly a bit pathetic.</p><p>(In the back of his mind, Janus knew he was being unnecessarily cruel towards Logan in his thoughts because he was hurting and lonely and cold and exhausted and all. And because Janus was still trying to process seeing Patton covered in blood. But he didn’t care.) (He did think he had a right to be sick of seeing blood at this point.)</p><p>Patton had a gash on the back of his head, and he didn’t look like he would be waking up anytime soon, but Janus breathed a sigh of relief upon finding that none of his bones were broken and the gash wasn’t as wide as it looked. Since the wound wasn’t self-inflicted, it would heal pretty quickly.</p><p>This was an interesting feature of the Mindscape: how long it took wounds to heal depending on what they were from. Janus’ power lay mostly in reaffirming beliefs already held, while Roman was good at cosmetic improvements and Logan was best at grounding someone in facts and Logic. Theoretically, if Roman could make it look like nothing was wrong and Logan could talk down the injured, Janus would probably be able to make the wound go away completely. But all of this was rendered useless if the wound was self-injured. It felt like a switch in Janus’ mind was turned off and he simply couldn’t work to make it seem like nothing was wrong, because he couldn’t convince himself.</p><p>This was all theoretical, of course. Janus didn’t spend nearly enough time with the Lights to have had to help them repair an injury thus far. But even so, Janus did employ his power of self-reassurance quite often, and he was relieved to see that it had an effect on Patton’s injury. It meant that the acquired gash was an accident after all and Patton wasn’t like Janus or Logan or Virgil. And thank whatever deity existed for that one- Janus wasn’t sure what he’d do if there were more than three self destructive idiots running around (or four, including Remus). Despite his being one of them.</p><p>It was always different when the problem was you, wasn’t it? It made it so much easier to minimise the problem, to be lovingly concerned for others but apathetic or even hateful towards yourself.</p><p>He shook his head to clear it. Logan was not at fault here, and Janus forcibly reminded himself of it. Logan loved Patton and love makes you do stupid shit. </p><p>He looked up upon hearing footsteps in the hall above them. Roman was standing there, gasping for breath, tears in his eyes and looking notably pissed off. He was still in his bloody clothes: a large red splatter highlighted the chest of his princely outfit.</p><p>Fuck. This was not going to go well in any way.</p><p>“I-you-“ he floundered, before tackling Janus in a hug. He was somehow careful, despite the obvious desperation and anger he was feeling, and Janus pretended not to notice the wet spot growing on the shoulder of his suit. He was getting quite good at that.</p><p>“Jesus Christ, Deceit, thought you left and went to go hurt yourself again,” Roman said against his ear. “Wait- Patton?! What happened?”</p><p>“Fell down the stairs,” Janus said, more casually than was strictly appropriate. “Logan found him.”</p><p>The aforementioned Logical side was staring at Roman with an anguished look on his face. “Your shirt.”</p><p>“Huh? Oh…” Roman threw a look towards Janus, questioning. Janus sighed and made a vague gesture like <em>whatever, it doesn’t even matter at this point.</em> But Logan was growing more horrified.</p><p>“Did-“ he choked momentarily. “Did you push him?”</p><p>“What? What the hell, no,” Roman cried. “This isn’t Patton’s blood.”</p><p>Logan’s gaze roved to Janus. He set his chin. “What happened.”</p><p>Janus looked down to his lap. “It was an accident.”</p><p>“No it wasn’t.”</p><p>“No, it wasn’t,” Janus conceded. He sighed. “Not right now, please.”</p><p>Roman was looking between the two of them with an expression similar to the one Logan was sporting earlier. “Logan knew about it?”</p><p>“By chance, yes. I didn’t necessarily want him to, but I had to patch up another Side before, and Logan noticed my… experience.”</p><p>“Let me guess… you had to patch up Virgil.”</p><p>Janus’ head shot up, his hair springing in messy waves with it. “Roman! You could have exposed his secret if you weren’t careful!”</p><p>“But I’m right, aren’t I?”</p><p>“Yes, you are,” Logan said. He dusted off his knees and stood up. “So that’s it, isn’t it?”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“There aren’t any secrets anymore, are there? Now Roman knows Virgil and you, Deceit-” he inclined his head at Janus, “-struggle with self harm. And it’s only a matter of time before every other secret is revealed. Too many people are aware already. So two things need to happen.”</p><p>“Which are?”</p><p>“Well, I need to come clean with Roman.” Logan raised his head and looked Roman square in the eye. “I struggle with self harm as well.”</p><p>Emotions of all sorts flew across Roman’s misty eyes. “C-can I see?”</p><p>Logan had anticipated the question. His hand was already at his left shirtsleeve. He pulled it up, exposing the scarred skin, and looked away from Roman’s gaze, reddened and humiliated.</p><p>Roman took Logan’s arm in his, then pulled the sleeve back down with utter gentleness and drew him into a hug, cupping Logan’s neck in his hand and leading his head onto Roman’s shoulder. Neither said anything. The silence was borderline awkward, but a resigned sort of atmosphere had fallen over the space. It was as if everyone was thinking, “Screw this, let’s get it over with.”</p><p>Some time later, Roman released Logan and stepped back with a blush. Janus spoke up.</p><p>“You never said what the second one was.”</p><p>“Ah, yes, that.” Logan took off his glasses and rubbed his reddened eyes with the heel of his hand briefly, then settled them back on his nose, composing himself. Janus silently urged him to take all the time he needed. </p><p>“I do believe we need to have a family meeting.”</p><p>__________</p><p>Patton’s head hurt, and his heart hurt, and it felt like his very soul was aching.</p><p>He had never been blind to the suffering of the Dark sides, but he had put it out of mind and decided instead to focus on matters related directly to Thomas. He had repeatedly justified it to himself, saying that the Dark sides wouldn’t appreciate his barging in. But now the excuse fell apart under just a simple look. It had been flimsy from the start.</p><p>He had blinked his eyes open blearily upon hearing Logan scream. The sound was anguished and terrifying, and it still replayed in Patton’s head over and over, a testament to Logan’s sorrow. It was even more mystifying since Patton himself wasn’t sure exactly what had happened. He was processing what he was hearing, although he didn’t have the strength to move. He was like a puppet with the strings cut. </p><p>The physical sensations were a blur of adrenaline and pain. He felt bandages and something that stung, but not much else. But he heard every bit of what they were saying and he realised, far, far too late, just how wrong he had been.</p><p>Now, Patton was looking through slitted eyes at Logan, who was tense and rigid, bracing himself for…something. Probably the “family meeting”, although Patton didn’t know exactly when that would happen. Patton did know this: he needed to comfort Logan. Now.</p><p>So he blinked his eyes open all the way with a herculean effort, a slight groan escaping his lips at the renewed pounding of his head. Logan rushed over.</p><p>“Patton.” His voice was hushed and full of anguish. Patton tried to respond, but his tongue wouldn’t work right. Logan laid a finger on his lips. “Don’t try to talk yet, it’s okay.”</p><p>Behind him, Deceit was looking at Patton with visible relief, tension melting from his shoulders and his scales shifting as his grimace went slack. Roman was sitting with his head in his hands.</p><p>“Do you want to sit up?” </p><p>Patton nodded, and Logan took him under the shoulders and gently moved him into a sitting position, lovingly adjusting his cardigan. </p><p>The next thing Patton noticed was just how parched his throat was. He made the signal for water to Logan- a sign language W tapped against his lips. He prayed Logan knew sign language, at least a bit. It seemed he was in luck, because he murmured a few words to Roman that Patton couldn’t quite catch, and Roman handed over a glass that Patton took a couple careful sips of. When he felt that he could speak again-</p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p>The words were raspy and quiet, but they were there, and he saw the flicker of movement as Deceit lifted his head. </p><p>“What for, Padre?” Roman asked, but Patton knew Logan understood.</p><p>“You heard us.” It wasn’t a question.</p><p>Patton nodded again.</p><p>“So the question becomes, then, why you think you’re responsible for our suffering.”</p><p>“I couldn’t help you or Virgil or Deceit. I failed you.”</p><p>Deceit swept over a bit unsteadily and reached an arm out, brushing it over Patton’s shoulder. “I could have reached out, Patton. But I didn’t. And you are not responsible.”</p><p>“I could have-“ Deceit silenced Patton with a sad look. </p><p>“No. Listen. You have suffered enough on your own.” He allowed Patton to take his hand off his mouth. At Patton’s questioning look, he added, “Don’t think I haven’t noticed your issues.” </p><p>“But I didn’t pay attention to yours!”</p><p>“I didn’t ask you to.”</p><p>Patton didn’t respond, just slumped against the couch. He was suddenly utterly exhausted and he was so tired of caring so much about everything. He let himself fall back into Logan’s loving arms and shivered as Logan ran his fingers through Patton’s tangled hair, avoiding the bandage.</p><p>“Deceit…” Roman began. “Is Remus okay?”</p><p>Deceit turned to face him. “Likely not, no. But he has always been an odd one. He’s a masochist in the sense that he self harms not to hurt himself or punish himself for doing something wrong, but rather because that’s how he has fun. I don’t really know what to do about it.”</p><p>“Has he been doing it for a long time?”</p><p>“As long as I’ve known him.”</p><p>“What does he do, exactly?”</p><p>“Breaks his own bones,” Deceit said casually. “Occasionally hits his head against a wall until he bleeds.”</p><p>“Jesus,” Roman muttered, but said nothing more.</p><p>“Well,” Patton started, voice quavering when the others fixed their attention on him. “Do you think Remus would take kindly to being invited to the family meeting?”</p><p>“No, he wouldn’t. In fact, he would endanger the others.”</p><p>“How do you think we should stop it, then? We can’t just let him hurt himself without interfering.”</p><p>“I can arrange something with Dr. Picani over in the other side of the Imagination. But he should not be part of an open discussion since he tends to just say whatever’s in his head, which has the potential to trigger someone.”</p><p>“So then, this meeting is basically just all four of us, plus Virgil.”</p><p>Deceit tilted his head. “Yes, you’re correct.”</p><p>“So then why don’t we just call him down here?”</p><p>“Roman, is he asleep?”</p><p>“Um, probably not anymore? He’s probably doing his eyeshadow.”</p><p>“Alright. Patton, would you do the honours?”</p><p>Patton lifted his hand, then, and drew memories of Virgil to the forefront of his mind. “Virgil?”</p><p>He appeared in the corner with a crack, like he had Apparated. “What?”</p><p>“Come on and sit with us.”</p><p>Virgil didn’t move. “What’s this about?” He paused. “Patton, what happened to your head?”</p><p>Logan cleared his throat. “Virgil… we need to discuss self harm.” Virgil paled immediately.</p><p>“H-how do you-?”</p><p>“It’s not just you, my darkest knight,” Roman breathed. “Please. Let’s talk this out as a family.”</p><p>With one last look at Roman, Virgil sat down, and they all simultaneously braced themselves for what was going to happen next.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry about the cliffhanger! (Kind of.) (But also not really.)</p><p>Yell at me, say hi, leave kudos if you want, tell me I made a typo, idk. Whatever you want to do. Comments give me so much serotonin in general.</p>
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<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Final resolution</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>They talk out their issues- something that should have happened a long time ago. Changes are promised for the future.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Surprise! I'm back from the dead. Here's another chapter.</p><p>TW: Talk of self harm and self hatred, scars, etc. But no explicit self harm. There probably won't be any for the rest of the fic.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Patton gently took Virgil’s hand and led him down onto the couch, then sat down beside him, legs tucked under his hips. The others followed, taking a seat and settling themselves onto the couch. The air was thick and tense.</p><p>Virgil spoke first. “What’s going on with Patton? What happened to your head, dude?” he asked directly to Patton.</p><p>Patton laughed a bit in a self-deprecating way. “It’s not a big deal, kiddo! I might have…fallen down the stairs?”</p><p>Virgil froze.</p><p>“You <em>what</em>?“ Virgil’s tempest tongue made the others uneasy. “You could have really gotten hurt!”</p><p>He just shrugged slightly. “But I didn’t. And besides, I can’t really die, can I?” He frowned and turned to Logan. “Can we?”</p><p>Logan cleared his throat. “That’s a good question… for another time. Let’s get back on track. The original issue we intended to discuss was self harm. It has come to my attention recently that other Sides have struggled to rein in habits that involve self-destructive activities, specifically self mutilation. I find myself to be an inadequate candidate for talking objectively on this issue.”</p><p>“And why is that?” Virgil growled.</p><p>Logan flushed. “I struggle with the same issues, and as a result, I am prone to unintentional or unconscious bias on the matter.”</p><p>“Wait, you mean you still self harm?  But you said you don’t feel anything, and it’s illogical to self ha-“</p><p>“I meant that I attempt to not feel anything. But my attempts did not succeed. I was forced to confront the depth of my emotion especially in regards to Patton. I believe we have had this conversation before, but you were all but incapacitated at the time.” Virgil pursed his lips.</p><p>He nodded at Janus. “Is that why he’s here too?”</p><p>Janus was hovering by the doorframe to the living room, clearly insecure about joining the others. His stance wasn’t as self assured and confident as usual, especially in light of Virgil’s question. Logan could see why. He opened his mouth to speak, but Roman spoke first.</p><p>“Deceit, why don’t you join us? This concerns you too.”</p><p>“Right, because I’m wanted here,” Janus said sarcastically. Roman saw through his act- to the core of his insecurity- and grabbed his sleeve as he turned to leave. Janus sighed and settled on the chair, away from the others, at Roman’s pleading look.</p><p>“So, out of all of us, it is Deceit, Virgil, and I who have issues with self harm, as well as Remus, although he is not present. Patton struggles with self esteem, but I believe a healthy relationship between us will help to rectify that. Just to verify, you do not struggle as well, correct, Roman?” Logan asked.</p><p>“That’s right.”</p><p>“So then we have to look into potential solutions. The effects of self-harm can be detrimental, not just to you, but I fear for the effects of Thomas’ health as a function of our own.” He leaned forwards in his chair, then paused with a certain degree of hesitation. “Again, I understand if I am not the person who you would look to on a matter like this. I understand that my opinion may be invalid, even despite my attempts to remain objective.” He looked at his lap.</p><p>Patton took his hand. “Logan, honey, it doesn’t make your opinion invalid if you struggle with it, it makes you more smarter!” (Logan frowned.) “I can tell that you’re ignoring your own feelings, and that’s not a good thing!” </p><p>Roman and Virgil murmured their agreement, unwilling to intrude on such an emotional moment. The amount of vulnerability Logan was showing was almost startling- to ruin the atmosphere or vibe or whatever would be practically criminal. Logan’s spine was ramrod straight as he met Patton’s eyes for the first time. “Perhaps that is part of the issue, but it can be resolved another time. I do not put myself in danger to the extent that Deceit and Virgil appear to.”</p><p>“Fine, but we’re coming back to this later, even if it’s just you and me, alright?” Patton emphasized. He started again, carefully. “So, Virgil…”</p><p>Virgil shrunk down in his seat upon feeling the weight of their gazes. He scratched at the back of his neck. “Yeah?”</p><p>“Can you tell us a little bit more about why you do it? And how?”</p><p>Virgil stayed silent for a long moment, staring down almost angrily at the floor with his chin set, then relented with a huff. “It’s kinda…. Hard to explain, so bear with me, ok?”</p><p>“Of course, kidd- Virgil!”</p><p>“So… I don’t want to carry the effects I have onto Thomas.” Logan opened his mouth to interrupt but Virgil countered him with a furrowed brow and a glance his way. “I know, I know, Thomas needs me, but what he really needs is like… a watered down version of me, I guess? That’s what he’s always had.”</p><p>“How did you manage to regulate yourself?” Logan burst through.</p><p>Virgil looked irritated, but only said, “I took the effects onto myself. Whenever I go back to my room it hits me full force.”</p><p>“In the form of a panic attack?”</p><p>He nodded. “And I’m used to those. But once Thomas turned twenty, and started realising how little time he had left, it got to be too much for even me to bear. So I had to find a different way to deal with it.”</p><p>Murmurs swept the room at the obvious connotation of what he was saying.</p><p>“And that worked, for a while. I never went too far. But then it changed.”</p><p>“Why?” Roman asked.</p><p>Virgil slumped. “Guys and Dolls.” Roman’s and Patton’s lips stretched into silent <em>O</em>s of understanding. “Now it wasn’t just about Thomas’ career and friendships, but now he could be forever alone because I screwed something up for you all. I didn’t-“ he inhaled, trying to regulate his breathing.<em> Jesus Christ, I hate opening up.</em> “I didn’t want you all to be disappointed in me.”</p><p>Janus spoke up quietly. “Why didn’t you tell anyone?”</p><p>Virgil paused. <em>I’m not actually sure,</em> he thought to himself. </p><p>“I guess I thought you’d hate me for that too,” he heard himself say.</p><p>“So, what you’re saying is, you thought we would hate you either way. Whether you did tell us or didn’t, whether you did regulate Thomas’ anxiety or you didn’t, you assumed we would take fault with your actions,” Logan summarised. “Which begs the question… why do you think we dislike you? And why are your assumptions so deeply rooted in your psyche?”</p><p>Roman stepped forward guiltily. His hands were twisting in his sash and he looked at Virgil as though he had done him a thousand wrongs. “I believe I am to blame. I insulted you, I belittled your contributions, I even made fun of your true name! I was too closed-minded and egoistic to see that-“</p><p>"Roman-"</p><p>"-too egoistic to see that your contributions were worthy of recognition, that I was hurting you-"</p><p>“Roman!” Virgil half-yelled. “Roman. Dude. All of that is in the past. I don’t care. I hadn’t even thought about it until now.”</p><p>“But it clearly left a lasting effect!” Roman protested.</p><p>“I don’t care! I just- ugh, I’ve been screwed up from the start, okay? Back when Thomas was young, I kept almost all of the anxiety, and that was a lot for me as a kid.”</p><p>“That still doesn’t negate what I did,” Roman said weakly. “I was acting very… un-princely. And I am sorry for it.”</p><p>“Roman.” Virgil waited until Roman looked up at him. He was surprised to see tears glimmering in the corners of Roman’s eyes. “It’s ok.”</p><p>“Now that we have worked out the emotional causes behind it, would you mind describing what exactly it is that you do?”</p><p>Virgil shrugged. “Blade on my thighs and arms. And then I bandage it up.” Roman placed a hand on his shoulder and smiled at him sadly but proudly. And Virgil reluctantly felt understood.</p><p><br/>__________</p><p>Janus was not appreciating the way this conversation was going. <em>It won’t be long before they turn to me.</em></p><p>And, indeed, his suspicions appeared to be correct. Patton smiled softly at Virgil and Roman, then turned to him. “Would you like to share anything?”</p><p>Janus considered for a moment. “I don’t know where to start.”</p><p>“How about the questions we asked Virgil?” Logan suggested. “Why and how?”</p><p>“I’m…not sure if that would be the best idea,” Janus uttered slowly.</p><p>“I can assure you that as long as your remarks aren’t horrifically graphic in nature, none of us will be ‘triggered’,” Logan said.</p><p>“It’s not that. I just don’t want to make any of you uncomfortable.”</p><p>Patton tilted his head. “What do you mean?”</p><p>“It has to do with the more… snake-ish parts of myself.” Janus swallowed. “Which, as if that weren’t disturbing enough, it also has to do with my recent actions towards all of you. And your responses to them.”</p><p>Silence reigned for a moment. Logan spoke up. “If anyone is uncomfortable with those topics of discussion, please speak up now.” The silence continued. Logan chuckled and said, “I suppose that means you are free to speak as you will.”</p><p>“There’s something I want to get out of the way first. My name.” The other sides leaned forwards from their respective positions on the couch. </p><p>“Are you sure?” Roman asked. Compassion was emanating from him. “You don’t have to do anything you’re uncomfortable with.”</p><p>“I understand that it is necessary,” was his response. He slid off his glove.</p><p>“My name… my name is Janus.”</p><p>Logan’s eyes widened. “Janus? Like the two-faced god of doorways from Greek mythology?” Janus could practically see the wheels turning in Logan’s head. Janus nodded.</p><p>“With that out of the way, I <em>don’t</em> suppose that it falls to me now to explain why, although my warning to you all still stands. It started with a different reason than it continued for. I <em>don’t</em> have scales that extend from here-“ he gestured to the textured side of his face- “to here-“ down his chest, across his stomach, down a thigh- “and end here,” he said, pointing to his right ankle. “They <em>don’t</em> also continue over my shoulders and across my arms.” The other sides took a moment to parse through his mixed speech, and his face flushed with shame. </p><p>“When I was younger, I hated them. I hated the way they made me look, how I couldn’t wear anything other than long sleeves and pants because of their sensitivity to cold or excessive light.” He glanced at Logan, who was taking notes, and frowned. “I eventually <em>didn’t</em> learn how to deal with them, with the cloaked ensemble and all. But not before I tried to manually remove them.</p><p>“It started as just an experiment, something to see what would happen if I removed one. And I did, with a knife. And it stung. But the patched skin where it had been looked better than the scales had. So I continued.” He pulled up the edge of one pant leg, up over his right ankle to about mid-calf, and Patton let out a gasp at the patterned and hurt skin, long healed over. “But this… result also changed me. And Thomas became worse at lying. So I <em>didn’t</em> stop.” He couldn’t help it anymore, his speech was flipping back and forth in a desperate attempt to lie, but he saw understanding etched into the lines of Logan’s face and he knew that even if the other sides didn’t understand quite yet they could ask Logan later.</p><p>He gave a heavy sigh. “I stopped doing it for… cosmetic purposes. But I hadn’t forgotten the pain associated with it. And by the time Thomas turned twenty-five, I was unanimously hated by all of you. So it gained another purpose. Punishment,” he finished softly.</p><p>Logan nodded, pensive. “And how?”</p><p>“Much like Virgil. Blades on legs. But with considerably less after-care.”</p><p>“Wait, but don’t you always push Thomas to take care of himself? Why don’t you treat your wounds after you acquire them?”</p><p>Janus shrugged. “I’m not Thomas. I always…. I always thought I didn’t deserve as much.” He closed his eyes.</p><p>His heart nearly stopped when he felt a pair of warm arms encircle him around the waist as Roman leaned over to hug him. Mortified, Janus felt a couple of tears drip down his cheeks from his glazed eyes as Roman gently removed his hat and began moving careful hands through his hair. </p><p>“And what about the recent events?” Virgil asked huskily.</p><p>“I thought I knew a way to help Thomas,” Janus said, voice becoming increasingly dull. “I knew about Logan’s issues, and the mutual pining between Logan and Patton. I thought the best way to stop Logan from hurting himself would be to get Patton and him together so he could accept himself. And that, in turn, would give Virgil a fair amount of help.” His voice grew even quieter as he remembered the pain he had caused. “But I did it wrong. And I hurt you, Roman,” he said into the crook of Roman’s neck.</p><p>“So?” Virgil scoffed. “It’s not like I didn’t call you some pretty terrible things.”</p><p>Patton said hesitantly, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.”</p><p>“Well… that’s true. But your plan did succeed, right?”</p><p>“Yes, in some respect. But then Patton fell. And then… this,” he said, with a wide gesture at their gathering of concerned countenances. “But more than anything, I still owe apologies, to each one of you. I-“ his voice cracked. “I thought I could use each of you to better Thomas.”</p><p>Roman guided his head back to his shoulder in a protective gesture. Logan cleared his throat. “Does anyone still have an issue with Dec-Janus?” Again, no one spoke. “Well, then I suppose we can unanimously agree to put this past us.”</p><p>Patton clasped his hands together. “Time for some well deserved snuggles, don’t you think?” He said, wrapping himself around Janus and Roman. Virgil followed wordlessly, and Logan came last, acquiescing to the contact with a small sigh that seemed to complain about the emotion behind the whole conversation.</p><p>“From now on, I think we should all make an agreement,” Virgil started. Every head bowed to look at him. “We agree together on what is best for Thomas.”</p><p>Unsurprisingly, everyone agreed.</p><p>And as everyone crowded closer in a group hug, Janus’ tears were drying on his cheeks. He smiled and closed his eyes again.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The next chapter is the last: the epilogue. Hopefully I should get that done in days instead of months. </p><p>Tell me what you think! I love hearing from you all. And if you happen to see a typo or formatting error, please, please tell me. :)</p>
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